MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM
By Gelett Burgess
Books by Gelett Burgess
VIVETTE; or the Memoirs of the Romance Association. Small, Maynard & Co., Boston. 152 pp. 8vo. $1.25
A GAGE OF YOUTH; Poems, chiefly from the "Lark." 58 pp. Small 8vo. Small, Maynard & Co., Boston. $1.00
THE ROMANCE OF THE COMMONPLACE; A Collection of Essays upon the Romantic View of Life. 152 pp. Small 4to. Elder & Shepard, San Francisco. $1.50
THE LIVELY CITY O' LIGG; A Cycle of Modern Fairy Tales for City Children. With 53 illustrations (8 in color) by the Author. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. 210 pp. Small 4to. $1.50. Boards, $1.00
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK; Being a complete Collection of the Humorous Masterpieces of Gelett Burgess, Esq. With 196 illustrations by the Author. 239 pp. Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. Cloth, $2.00 net. Boards, $1.25
GOOPS, and How to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants. With 90 illustrations by the Author. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. 88 pp. 5th edition. Small 4to. $1.50
MORE GOOPS, and How Not to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants. With 90 illustrations by the Author. 88 pp. Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. $1.50
MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM
A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants Depicting the Characteristics of Many Naughty and Thoughtless Children With Instructive Illustrations
By GELETT BURGESS
Frederick A. Stokes Company
COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY GELETT BURGESS
Published September, 1903
* * * * *
Introduction Goop! Goop! Goop! Window-Smoochers Visiting A Low Trick Picking and Stealing When to Go Loyalty "Ain't" Indolence Nell the Nibbler The Law of Hospitality Justice The Flower Hospital A Puzzle Puppy Goops Frankness Exaggeration The Duty of the Strong Noise! Noise! Noise! Walking with Papa Stealing Rides Piano Torture Untidy Goops At Table A Goop Party How to Eat Soup Inquisitiveness Baby's Apology Don't Be Good In the Street Write Right! Sick Furniture Wet Feet Borrowed Plumes Dress Quickly! The Goop Picnic Danger! Book-Manners The Reason Why Poor Mother! In Goop Attire Cheating Impossible
Children, although you might expect My manners to be quite correct (For since I fancy I can teach, I ought to practice what I preach), 'Tis true that I have often braved My mother's wrath, and misbehaved! And almost every single rule I broke, before I went to school! For that is how I learned the way To teach you etiquette to-day. So when you chance to take a look At all the maxims in the book, You'll see that most of them are true, I found them out, and so will you, For if you are as GOOP derided, You may perhaps reform, as I did!
Little Goops are marking On the window pane; I forbid, in vain! Noses, when they're greasy, Leave a smooch so easy! Rub it out again! I shall have to scold them, For I've often told them, Kindly, to refrain!
A LOW TRICK
The meanest trick I ever knew Was one I know you never do. I saw a Goop once try to do it, And there was nothing funny to it. He pulled a chair from under me As I was sitting down; but he Was sent to bed, and rightly, too. It was a horrid thing to do!
WHEN TO GO
When you go a-calling, Never stay too late; You will wear your welcome out If you hesitate! Just before they're tired of you, Just before they yawn, Before they think you are a Goop, And wish that you were gone, While they're laughing with you, While they like you so, While they want to keep you,— That's the time to go!
Now "ain't" is a word That is very absurd To use for an "isn't" or "aren't." Ask Teacher about it: She'll say, "Do without it!" I wish you would see if you can't!
NELL THE NIBBLER
She ate some chocolate drops at 1, At 2, she thought she'd take A little jelly and a bun; At 3, some frosted cake.
At 4, she nibbled at a roll; At 5, a doughnut spied, And ate it (all except the hole), And then some cookies tried.
At 6, she didn't feel quite right, And didn't care for dinner. She said she had no appetite, With so much Goop-food in her!
Whenever brother's sent to bed, Or punished, do not go And peer at him and jeer at him, And say, "I told you so!"
Nor should you try to make him laugh When he has been so bad; Let him confess his naughtiness Before you both are glad!
There are about a thousand things I'm not allowed to do; Most everything I'm fondest of I'm told is wrong—are you?
They say, "Please don't do that, my child!" They say, "You mustn't, dear!" I hope sometime I'll learn what's right, For now it seems so queer!
When you are talking, I expect You'd better hold your head erect! Please look me squarely in the eye Unless you're telling me a lie. For if you crouch and look askance, Regarding me with sidelong glance, I'll think it is a Goop I see Who is afraid to look at me!
THE DUTY OF THE STRONG
You who are the oldest, You who are the tallest, Don't you think you ought to help The youngest and the smallest?
You who are the strongest, You who are the quickest, Don't you think you ought to help The weakest and the sickest?
Never mind the trouble, Help them all you can; Be a little woman! Be a little man!
WALKING WITH PAPA
"Won't you walk a little farther?" Said a Goop to his Papa; "It is really quite delightful, And we haven't travelled far; Wont you walk a little farther, There's a house I'd like to see! Won't you walk a little farther, Till we reach that cherry-tree?"
"Won't you carry me? I'm tired!" Whined a Goop to his Papa; "And my feet are sore and weary, And we've gone so very far! Won't you carry me? I'm tired! And I can't walk back alone! Won't you carry me? I'm tired!" And the Goop began to groan.
Pianos are considered toys By Goops, and naughty girls and boys; They pound upon the keys, They lift the cover up, on top, To see the little jiggers hop, And both the pedals squeeze!
But instruments so rich and fine (Especially if they're not mine) I ought to treat with care; So when my elder sister plays She'll find it is in tune always, Nor injured anywhere!
Why is it Goops must always wish To touch each apple on the dish? Why do they never neatly fold Their napkins until they are told? Why do they play with food, and bite Such awful mouthfuls? Is it right? Why do they tilt back in their chairs? Because they're Goops! So no one cares!
HOW TO EAT SOUP
Whenever you are eating soup Remember not to be a Goop! And if you think to say this rhyme, Perhaps 'twill help you every time:
Like little boats that put to sea, I push my spoon AWAY from me; I do not tilt my dish, nor scrape The last few drops, like hungry ape!
Like little boats, that, almost filled, Come back without their cargoes spilled, My spoon sails gently to my lips, Unloading from the SIDE, like ships.
Dear little seed, queer little seed, Tucked into bed in the garden, Why don't you grow? Why, don't you know Baby is asking your pardon?
Out, little seed! Sprout, little seed! Baby did wrong without knowing! Hoping for you, groping for you, To see if you really were growing.
Break, little seed! Wake, little seed! Baby will watch and not harm you. Everything's bright, everything's right, Nothing is here to alarm you.
Dress, little seed! Yes, little seed, Fold your green leaflets around you; There, little seed! Fair little seed, Baby's so glad he has found you!
IN THE STREET
Peelings on the sidewalk, Apple-cores and all, Kick them in the gutter; Save some one a fall! Barrel hoops, glass, and cans, And wires in the street, Kick them in the gutter; You'll save some horse's feet!
Sitting on the table, Standing on the chairs, That's the way the legs are broken and the cushion tears! How'd you like to pay the bill for varnish and repairs?
Don't try on the wraps, The bonnets and caps Of company coming to call! Admire, if you please, But garments like these Should always feel safe in the hall!
THE GOOP PICNIC
They came to the best sort of place for a rest, On the grass, with the trees overhead, They sat down in a bunch and they opened their lunch, And they had a be-autiful spread!
And when they were done, and they'd had all their fun, They proved they were Goops, or were blind; For they picked up their wraps and they left all their scraps For the next picnic party to find!
If you scribble on your books, How disgustable it looks! Here a word, and there a scrawl, Silly pictures over all! Take a paper, or a slate, If you want to decorate!
Oh! Isn't it shocking! Just look at your stocking! Just look at your brand new boots! Your waist is all torn And your trousers are worn— Just look at the holes in your suits!
Your father is working All day, without shirking, To pay for the clothes that you wear; Your mother is mending All day, and attending To you, with the kindest of care.
And so, while you're playing, Think of father, who's paying, And mother, who's working so hard; While you kneel on your knees, Or climb up the trees, Or make your mud pies in the yard!
I thought I saw a little Goop Who didn't pay his fare; I looked again; the passengers Were gazing at him, there. "They think that he's a thief!" I said; "I wonder does he care?"
GOOP! GOOP! GOOP!
Goop! Goop! Goop! I wish you'd wash your face! Goop! Goop! Goop! Your hands are a disgrace! Goop! Goop! Goop! Put things back in their place! I wish you were polite, Instead of a Goop! Goop! Goop!
When a Goop goes out to visit, 'T isn't very pleasant, is it, To hear him ask his friends for things to eat? And to hear the little sinner Say he wants to stay to dinner Is a piece of impoliteness hard to beat!
"Mother said that I could stay If you asked me!" is the way That a Goop will make them ask him to remain. It is better to be slighted Than to stay when not invited, For they never ask a Goop to come again!
PICKING and STEALING
When you are fetching bread, I trust You never nibble at the crust
When in the kitchen, do you linger And pinch the cookies with your finger?
Or do you peck the frosted cake? Don't do it, please, for Mother's sake!
Mother's found your mischief out! What are you going to do? Cry and sulk, or kick and shout? Tell your mother all about Brother's mischief, too?
Or, Take your punishment, and say, "I'll be better, now!" Never mind the horrid way Brother treated you, at play; Don't tell it, anyhow!
It is the Goops, who have no shame, Who say, "'Twas some one else to blame!"
There was a Goop who lay in bed Till half-past eight, the sleepy-head! He couldn't find his stockings, for He'd thrown them somewhere on the floor! He couldn't find his reading-book; He had forgotten where to look! His breakfast grew so very cold, This lazy Goop began to scold; And then he blamed his mother, kind! "You made me late to school!" he whined.
THE LAW OF HOSPITALITY
There is a very simple rule That every one should know; You may not hear of it in school, But everywhere you go, In every land where people dwell, And men are good and true, You'll find they understand it well, And so I'll tell it you:
To every one who gives me food, Or shares his home with me, I owe a debt of gratitude, And I must loyal be. I may not laugh at him, or say Of him a word unkind; His friendliness I must repay, And to his faults be blind!
THE FLOWER HOSPITAL
I dreamed I found a sunlit room Filled with a delicate perfume, Where, moaning their sweet lives away, A thousand lovely flowers lay. They drooped, so pale, and wan, and weak, With hardly strength enough to speak, With stems so crushed and leaves so torn It was too dreadful to be borne! And one white lily raised her head From off her snowy flower bed. And sighed, "Please tell the children, oh! They should not treat the flowers so! They plucked us when we were so gay, And then they threw us all away To wither in the sun all day! We all must fade, but we'll forgive If they'll let other flowers live!"
Candy in the cushions Of the easy-chair; Raisins in the sofa— How did they get there? The little Goop who's greedy Does it every day, Like a little puppy, Hiding bones away!
Don't try to tell a story To beat the one you've heard; For if you try, you're apt to lie, And that would be absurd!
Don't try to be more funny Than any one in school; For if you're not, they'll laugh a lot, And think you are a fool!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Do you slam the door? Do you drag your feet? Making noise enough for four Hundred thousand Goops, or more, Tearing up the street?
Clattering down the stairs, Storming through the hall, Pounding floors, upsetting chairs, Do you think your father cares For your noise, at all?
I thought I saw a little Goop Who hung behind a cart; I looked again. He'd fallen off! It gave me such a start! "If he were killed, some day," I said, "'Twould break his mother's heart!"
I think you are a Goop, because You never shut your bureau drawers, You do not close the door! You leave your water in the bowl, You put your peelings in the coal! I've told you that before!
A GOOP PARTY
"Please come to my party!" said Jenny to Prue; "I'm going to have Willy, and Nelly, and you; I'm going to have candy and cake and ice-cream, We'll play Hunt-the-Slipper, we'll laugh and we'll scream. We'll dress up in caps, we'll have stories and tricks, And you won't have to go till a quarter past six!" But alas! When she mentioned her party, at tea, Her mother said, "No! It can't possibly be!" So Jane had to go and explain to her friends, And that is how many a Goop party ends! Just speak to your mother before you invite, And then it's more likely to happen all right!
I gave a letter to a Goop To take to Mrs. Bird; And what d'you think he went and did? He read it, every word! Now, isn't that the rudest thing That you have ever heard?
Why, he would peep through keyholes, And listen at the door! And open parcels, just to see What came from every store!
Now, have you ever ever heard Of such a Goop before?
DON'T BE GOOD
Just because you want to go To the circus, or the show; But, when all your fun is o'er, Be as good as you were before!
DON'T BE BAD
Just as long as you dare to be, Because your mother doesn't see. Do not wait for her to scold, But be just as good as gold!
If you were writing with your nose, You'd have to curl up, I suppose, And lay your head upon your hand; But now, I cannot understand, For you are writing with your pen! So sit erect, and smile again! You need not scowl because you write, Nor hold your fingers quite so tight! And if you gnaw the holder so, They'll take you for a Goop, you know!
Down the street together, In the rainy weather, Went a pair of little boys along; One of them went straying In the gutters playing, Doing all his mother said was wrong;
One of them went dashing Into puddles splashing, Under dripping eaves that soaked him through; One of them avoided All the other boy did, Dodging all the slimy, slushy goo.
One of them grew chilly; Said he felt so ill he Knew he'd caught a cold, and coughed a lot! The other was so warm he Said he liked it stormy! Which of them was Goop, and which was not?
All your life you'll have to dress, Every single day (unless You should happen to be sick), Why not learn to do it quick? Hang your clothes the proper way, So you'll find them fresh next day; Treat them with a little care, Fold them neatly on a chair; So, without a bit of worry, You can dress in quite a hurry. Think of the slovenly Goops, before You strew your clothing on the floor!
Ink, ink! What do you think! You're sure to be stained, if you play with the ink! You're sure to get black, if you play with the ink-well, Before you begin it, just stop once, and think well! All over your fingers, all over your face, All over your clothes, and all over the place! Your mother'll be angry, your father'll say, "There! I said not to touch it; you said you'd take care!"
When Goops are so mischievous, they have to drink Forty-four dozen bottles of raven black ink!
THE REASON WHY
Everybody liked Ezekiel. Why? You could scarcely find his equal. Why? If he made a mistake, He said he was wrong; If he went on an errand, He wasn't gone long; He never would bully, Although he was strong!
Everybody hated Mello. Why? He was such a surly fellow. Why? If you asked him for candy, He'd hide his away; He never would play What the rest wished to play; He would say horrid words That he oughtn't to say!
IN GOOP ATTIRE
I'll make you a dress of a towel, And trim it all over with soap, With a sponge for a hat And a wet one, at that! And then you'll be happy, I hope! You may act like a Goop, if you please, In garments constructed like these!
But now, while you're dressed up so neatly, Don't wipe off your hands on your frock! The smooching that lingers When you wipe off your fingers, Will give your dear mother a shock! The result will be even more shocking, If you wipe off your shoes on your stocking!
There once was a Goop (it is hard to believe Such unpleasant behavior of you!) Who always was wiping his nose on his sleeve; I hope that this Goop wasn't you! He always was spitting (for fun, I suppose), I couldn't believe, it of you! And putting his fingers up into his nose; I KNOW that this Goop wasn't you!