Verses by H. BELLOC Pictures by B. T. B.
LONDON: DUCKWORTH & CO.
Printed in Great Britain at The Mayflower Press, Plymouth. William Brendon & Son, Ltd.
I. Edward, first EARL OF ROEHAMPTON in the County of Surrey, deceased 5
II. Archibald, fifteenth Baron CALVIN of Peebles in North Britain 11
III. Henry de la Tour Albert St. John Chase, commonly known as LORD HENRY CHASE 12
IV. Thomas, second Baron HEYGATE of Bayswater in the County of London 15
V. Percy, first EARL OF EPSOM, in the County of Surrey 16
VI. Arthur Weekes, commonly known as LORD FINCHLEY, Eldest Son and Heir of Charles, first Baron Hendon 22
VII. Ali-Baba, first (and last) Baron ALI-BABA of Salonika 24
VIII. George Punter, commonly known as LORD HIPPO, Eldest Son and Heir of Peter, sixth Earl of Potamus 27
IX. Baron UNCLE TOM of Maarfontein in the Britains Over Seas 36
X. William, eighth EARL LUCKY, subsequently fifth Duke of Bradford 39
XI. Christopher, sixth Baron CANTON 45
XII. Alcibiades, third Baron ABBOTT of Brackley in Southamptonshire 47
During a late election Lord Roehampton strained a vocal chord From shouting, very loud and high, To lots and lots of people why The Budget in his own opin- -Ion should not be allowed to win.
sought a Specialist, who said: "You have a swelling in the head: Your Larynx is a thought relaxed And you are greatly over-taxed."
"I am indeed! On every side!" The Earl (for such he was) replied
In hoarse excitement.... "Oh! My Lord, You jeopardize your vocal chord!" Broke in the worthy Specialist. "Come! Here's the treatment! I insist! To Bed! to Bed! And do not speak A single word till Wednesday week, When I will come and set you free (If you are cured) and take my fee."
On Wednesday week the Doctor hires A Brand-new Car with Brand-new Tyres And Brand-new Chauffeur all complete For visiting South Audley Street.
* * * * *
But what is this? No Union Jack Floats on the Stables at the back! No Toffs escorting Ladies fair Perambulate the Gay Parterre. A 'Scutcheon hanging lozenge-wise And draped in crape appals his eyes Upon the mansion's ample door, To which he wades through
heaps of Straw,[A] And which a Butler
[A] This is the first and only time That I have used this sort of Rhyme.
drowned in tears, On opening but confirms his fears: "Oh! Sir!—Prepare to hear the worst!... Last night my kind old master burst. And what is more, I doubt if he Has left enough to pay your fee. The Budget——"
With a dreadful oath, The Specialist,
denouncing both The Budget and the House of Lords, Buzzed angrily Bayswaterwards.
* * * * *
And ever since, as I am told, Gets it beforehand; and in gold.
Lord Calvin thought the Bishops should not sit As Peers of Parliament.
And argued it! In spite of which, for years, and years, and years, They went on sitting with their fellow-peers.
Lord Henry Chase
What happened to Lord Henry Chase? He got into a
Libel Case! The Daily Howl had said that he— But could not prove it perfectly To Judge or Jury's satisfaction: His Lordship, therefore,
won the action. But, as the damages were small,
He gave them to a Hospital.
LORD HEYGATE had a troubled face, His furniture was commonplace— The sort of Peer who well might pass For someone of the middle class. I do not think you want to hear About this unimportant Peer, So let us leave him to discourse About LORD EPSOM and his horse.
A Horse, Lord Epsom did bestride With mastery and quiet pride. He dug his spurs into its hide.
discerning it was pricked, Incontinently
bucked and kicked, A thing that no one could predict!
Lord Epsom clearly understood The High-bred creature's nervous mood,
As only such a horseman could. Dismounting,
he was heard to say That it was kinder to delay His pleasure to a future day
* * * * *
He had the Hunter led away.
Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light Himself.
It struck him dead: And serve him right! It is the business of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan.
Lord Ali-Baba was a Turk Who hated every kind of work, And would repose for hours at ease With
Houris seated on his knees. A happy life!—Until, one day
Mossoo Alphonse Effendi Bey (A Younger Turk: the very cream And essence of the New Regime) Dispelled this Oriental dream By granting him a place at Court, High Coffee-grinder to the Porte, Unpaid:—
In which exalted Post His Lordship yielded up the ghost.
Lord Hippo suffered fearful loss
By putting money on a horse Which he believed, if it were pressed, Would run far faster than the rest: For someone who was in the know
Had confidently told him so.
on the morning of the race It only took
the seventh place!
Picture the Viscount's great surprise! He scarcely could believe his eyes! He sought the Individual who Had laid him odds at 9 to 2, Suggesting as a useful tip That they should enter Partnership And put to joint account the debt Arising from his foolish bet.
But when the Bookie—oh! my word, I only wish you could have heard The way he roared he did not think, And hoped that they might strike him pink! Lord Hippo simply turned and ran From this infuriated man. Despairing, maddened and distraught He utterly collapsed and sought His sire,
the Earl of Potamus, And brokenly addressed him thus: "Dread Sire—to-day—at Ascot—I ..." His genial parent made reply: Come! Come! Come! Come! Don't look so glum! Trust your Papa and name the sum....
... Fifteen hundred thousand?... Hum! However ... stiffen up, you wreck; Boys will be boys—so here's the cheque! Lord Hippo, feeling deeply—well, More grateful than he cared to tell— Punted the lot on Little Nell:— And got a telegram at dinner To say
that he had backed the Winner!
Lord Uncle Tom
Lord Uncle Tom was different from What other nobles are. For they are yellow or pink, I think, But he was black as tar.
He had his Father's debonair And rather easy pride: But his complexion and his hair
Were from the mother's side.
He often mingled in debate And latterly displayed
Experience of peculiar weight Upon the Cocoa-trade.
But now He speaks no more. The BILL Which he could not abide, It preyed upon his mind until He sickened, paled, and died.
Lord Lucky, by a curious fluke, Became a most important duke. From living in a vile Hotel
A long way east of Camberwell
He rose, in less than half an hour, To riches, dignity and power. It happened in the following way:— The Real Duke went out one day To shoot with several people, one
Of whom had never used a gun. This gentleman (a Mr. Meyer Of Rabley Abbey, Rutlandshire), As he was scrambling through the brake,
Discharged his weapon by mistake, And plugged about an ounce of lead Piff-bang into his Grace's Head—— Who naturally fell down dead.
His heir, Lord Ugly, roared, "You Brute!
Take that to teach you how to shoot!" Whereat he volleyed, left and right; But being somewhat short of sight, His right-hand Barrel only got The second heir, Lord Poddleplot; The while the left-hand charge (or choke) Accounted for another bloke, Who stood with an astounded air Bewildered by the whole affair —And was the third remaining heir.
Execution (which Is something rare among the Rich) Lord Lucky, while of course he needed Some
help to prove their claim, succeeded. —But after his succession, though All this was over years ago, He only once indulged the whim Of asking Meyer to lunch with him.
The reason that
the Present Lord Canton Succeeded lately to his Brother John Was that his Brother John, the elder son, Died rather suddenly at forty-one.
The insolence of an Italian guide
Appears to be the reason that he died.
Lord Abbott's coronet was far too small, So small, that as he sauntered down White Hall Even the youthful Proletariat (Who probably mistook it for a Hat) Remarked on its exiguous extent.
Here is a picture of the incident.