"SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE."
PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
LATE PASTOR OF THE CHURCH OF THE NEW DISPENSATION, CHAPLAIN TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE PRESIDENT, AND P.M. AT CONFEDERATE x ROADS, KENTUCKY.
HIS IDEAS OF
MEN, POLITICS, AND THINGS,
AS SET FORTH IN HIS LETTERS TO THE PUBLIC PRESS, DURING THE YEAR 1866.
Illustrated by Thomas Nast.
BOSTON: LEE AND SHEPARD. 1867.
DEDIKASHUN UV THIS BOOK.
THE PRIDE AND HOPE UV DIMOCRISY,
Who hez bin Alderman uv his native village, Guvner uv his State, Member uv the lower house uv Congress, And likewise uv the Senit, Vice President and President, and might hev bin Diktater, But who is, nevertheless, a Humble Individooal; Who hez swung around the entire cirkle uv offishl honor, without feelin his Oats much; The first public man who considered my services worth payin for;
ALEX. W. RANDALL, POSTMASTER GENRAL,
His most devoted Servant, Whose autograph adorns my Commishn ez Postmaster, This Volume
IS RESPECTFULLY DEDIKATED.
PREFIS, OR INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER I.—AFTER THE NEW JERSEY ELECTION II.—CONVERSES WITH GENERAL MCSTINGER III.—A REMARKABLE DREAM IV.—A CHANGE OF BASE—KENTUCKY V.—ABOLITION IN KENTUCKY VI.—A CONVERSATION WITH A KENTUCKIAN VII.—A VISION—SPIRIT OF ANDREW JACKSON VIII.—A PLAN FOR UP-BUILDING THE DEMOCRACY IX.—A VISION OF THE NEXT WORLD X.—A SONNET XI.—THE SITUATION—THE DEMOCRACY WARNED XII.—THE PRESIDENT'S 22D OF FEBRUARY SPEECH XIII.—A WARNING XIV.—REFUSES TO SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT XV.—THE PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM XVI.—A DREAM XVII.—A KENTUCKY TEA PARTY XVIII.—A CRY OF EXULTATION XIX.—A WAIL OF ANGUISH XX.—MOURNFUL VIEW OF THE SITUATION XXI.—A PSALM OF GLADNESS XXII.—A DISCOURSE UPON THE NIGGER XXIII.—WORKINGS OF THE FREEDMEN'S BUREAU XXIV.—PRESIDES AT A CHURCH TRIAL XXV.—MEETING TO INDORSE GEN. ROSSEAU XXVI.—PREACHES—THE "PRODIGAL SON" XXVII.—A PLEASANT DREAM XXVIII.—THE REWARD OF VIRTUE XXIX.—THE CONVOCATION AT PHILADELPHIA XXX.—THE GREAT PRESIDENTIAL EXCURSION XXXI.—THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR CONTINUED XXXII.—END OF THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR XXXIII.—AT HOME AGAIN XXXIV.—THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION XXXV.—AN APPEAL TO THE PEOPLE XXXVI.—THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS XXXVII.—MR. NASBY'S OPINION ON THE CAUSE OF THE PRESIDENT'S DEFEAT XXXVIII.—ANDREW JOHNSON PRESIDENT OR KING? XXXIX.—A CABINET MEETING XL.—SERMON ON THE NOVEMBER ELECTIONS XLI.—A FEW LAST WORDS
There is a vacancy in the mind uv the public for jist sich a book ez this, else it had never bin published. There is a vacancy in my pockit for the money I am to reseeve ez copy-rite, else I hed never slung together, in consecootive shape, the ijees wich I hev from time to time flung out thro the public press, for the enlitenment uv an ongrateful public and the guidance uv an obtoose Dimocracy.
I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement. There hezn't bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past five years, and the standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the leaders uv the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough time uv it. Our prominence made us uncomfortable, for we hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez well ez uv every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gileless patriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a period uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin made for their rites, rendered the position uv us Northern Dimocrats eggstremely precarious. We coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin that peace must come, and that when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the olden time, look to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to keep on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars! there are laws agin treason, and two-thirds uv the misguided people north hed got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed that crime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped the line that divides loyalty from treason by so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd make us suffer the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but wich, owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more, can't. Halleloogy!
But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service I detested—twict I wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well enough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit, and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for the children,—twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south, rather than fite agin em. When finally the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off, owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich thumb wuz also accidentally across the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no longer liable to military dooty and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins—the ridin upon rails—the takin uv the oath—but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I stood it all till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to kneel onto my bare knees in the cold snow, the extremity uv my under garment, wich modesty forbids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and by a crowd uv laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint uv raw, undilooted water! That feather broke the back uv the camel. The oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the water inflamashen uv the stumick, and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former self. Ez I arose from that bed and saw in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and I hev kept my oath.
I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any man sence the time uv Paul. First I established a church uv Democrats in a little oasis I diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's Corners, where ther wuz four groceries, but nary church or skool-house within four miles, and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em—but alars! I wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo Gersey bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched, to her I fled, and at Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle. There I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood me thither, and in the fall uv '65 that state got ornery and cussid, and went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where, at Confedrit x Roads, I feel that I am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The aristocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech, but they desire to exercise a supervision over it, that they may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they git into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better uv them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massychoosits can't disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously Democratic, and bids fair to continyoo so.
Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a eventful life. Here in the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and a distillery ornamentin the landscape only a quarter uv a mile from where I rite these lines, with the ruins uv a burnt nigger school house within site uv my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a Democratic nostril, and wich he kin snuff afar off, and say ha! ha! to, uv a half dozen niggers wich wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I want? I feel that I am more than repaid for all my suffrins, and that I shel sale smoothly down the stream uv time, unvexed and happy.
It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is composed wuz written at various times and under various circumstances. They reflect the mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in his history, and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy from week to week. Consekently they shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with much alacrity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough uv despondency and despair.
I mite say more, but wherefore? Ez the record uv a year uv hopes and fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or may not—'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whatever may be its fate, one thing I am certin uv, to wit: I am a reglerly commissioned P.M.; and while the approval of the public mite lighten the toils uv offishl life and sweeten the whisky wich the salary purchases, the frowns uv the said public can't redoose me to the walks uv private life. They can't frown me out uv offis, nor frown P.M. General Randall's name off my commishn.
POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Oct. 1, 1866.
SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE.
After the New Jersey Election, 1865.
SAINT'S REST (wich is in the State uv Noo Gersey), November, 9, 1865.
Never wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind as last night. All wuz peace with me, for after bein buffeted about the world for three skore years, at last it seemed to me ez tho forchune, tired uv persekootin a unforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor. I hed a solemn promise from the Demekratic State Central Committy in the great State uv Noo Gersey, that ez soon ez our candidate for Governor wuz dooly elected, I shood hev the position uv Dorekeeper to the House uv the Lord (wich in this State means the Capital, & wich is certainly better than dwellin in the tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on tick, ez I do), and a joodishus exhibition uv this promise hed prokoored for me unlimited facilities for borrerin, wich I improved, muchly.
On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a enjoyin the pleasin reflection that in a few days I should be placed above want & beyond the contingencies uv fortune. Wood! oh wood! that I hed died then and there, before that dream ov bliss wuz roodly broken. A wicked boy cum runnin past with a paper wich he hed brot from the next town where there lives a man who takes one. He flung it thro the window to me and past on. I opened it eagerly, and glanced at the hed lines!
"NOO GERSEY—5,000 REPUBLIKIN!"
One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that house, and wen the inmates rushed into the room they found me inanymate on the floor. The fatal paper lay near me, explainin the cause uv the catastrophe. The kind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv my pockets and diskiverin that the contents thereof wood not pay the arrearages uv board, held a hurried consultation with his wife as to the propriety uv bringin me to; he insisting that it wuz the only chance uv gittin what wuz back—she insistin that ef I was brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, bigger and bigger, and never pay at last. While they was argooin the matter, pro and con, I happened to git a good smell uv his breath, wich restored me to consciousniss to-wunst, without further assistance.
When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent in song. Did ever poet who delited in tombs, and dark, rollin streams, and consumption, and blighted hopes, and decay, and sich themes, ever hev such a pick of subjects ez I hev at this time? The follerin may be a consolation to the few Dimokrats uv the North who have gone so far into copperheadism that they can't change their base:—
In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength—in the evenin we are bustid and wilt!
Man born uv woman (and most men are) is uv few days, & them is so full uv trouble that it's skarsely worth while bein born at all.
In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now the waters uv afflickshun are about my chin.
I look to the east, and Massychusets rolls in Ablishun.
To the west I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and Minnesota, and Illinoy ansers Ablishun.
Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Maryland sends greetin—Ablishun. In New York we had em, for lo! we run a soljer, who fought valiantly, and we put him on a platform, wich stunk with nigger—yea, the savor thereof wuz louder than the Ablishun platform itself.
But behold! the people jeer and flout, and say "the platform stinketh loud enough, but the smell thereof is not the smell uv the Afrikin—it is of the rotten material uv wich it is composed, and the corrupshun they hev placed upon it"—and New York goes Ablishun.
Slocum held hisself up, and sed, "Come and buy." And our folks bought him and his tribe, but he getteth not his price.
Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain and holler horn and sich, and, not livin near Noo York, the flesh thereof he cood not sell.
But Job hed suthin left—still cood he sell the hides and tallow!
Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them.
Noo Gersey wuz the hide & tallow uv the Dimocrisy, and lo! that is gone.
What little is left uv the Dimocrisy is all sore, but where is the dorg so low as to lick it!
Noo Gersey wuz our ewe lamb—lo! the strong hand uv Ablishnism hez taken it.
Noo Gersey wuz the Aryrat on wich our ark rested—behold! the dark waves uv Ablishnism sweep over it!
Darkness falls over me like a pall—the shadder uv woe encompasseth me.
Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv anguish, varyin in size from a large Pea to a small tater.
Noo Gersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amendment, and lo! the Nigger will possess the land.
I see horrid visions!
On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen; and at the polls, niggers!
Where shall we find refuge?
In the North? Lo! it is barred agin us by Ablishnism.
In the South? In their eyes the Northern copperhead findeth no favor.
In Mexico? There is war there, and we might be drafted.
Who will deliver us? Who will pluck us from the pit into wich we hev fallen?
Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my impression is, South Karliny will be my future home. Wade Hampton is electid Governor, certin, and in that noble State, one may perhaps preserve enough uv the old Dimokratic States Rites to leaven the whole lump.
"I'm aflote—I'm aflote On the dark rollin sea."
And into what harbor fate will drive my weather-beaten bark, the undersigned can not trooly say.
Noo Gersey—farewell! The world may stand it a year or two, but I doubt it.
Mournfly and sadly, PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Conversation with General McStinger, of the State of Georgia, which is interrupted by a Subjugated Rebel.
WASHINGTON, D.C., NOV. 18, 1865.
Sence the November elections I hev bin spendin' the heft uv my time in Washinton. I find a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin around the scene uv so many Demokratic triumphs. Here it wuz that Brooks, the heroic, bludgeoned Sumner; here it wuz that Calhoon, & Yancey, and Breckinridge achieved their glory and renown. Besides, it's the easiest place to dodge a board bill in the Yoonited States. There's so many Congressmen here who resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin for one, two-thirds uv the time.
Yesterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's, Ginral MacStinger, of South Karliny. The Ginral is here on the same bizness most uv the Southern men hev in this classic city, that uv prokoorin a pardon, wich he hed prokoored, and wuz gittin ready to go home and accept the nominashen for Congress in his deestrick.
The Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him, he observed, and he wuz afeerd that the country wuz on the high road to rooin. He hed bin absent from the Yoonited States suthin over four yeers, wich time he hed spent in the southern confederacy. When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisy hed some rites wich wuz respected. On his return wat did he see? The power in the hands uv Radikals, Ablishnism in the majority everywhere, a ex-tailor President,—a state uv affairs disgustin in the extreme to the highly sensitive Southern mind. He had accepted a pardon only becoz he felt hisself constrained to put hisself in2 position to go to Congress, that the country might be reskood from its impendin peril. He shood go to Congress, and then he should ask the despots who now hev control, whether,—
1. They spozed the South wood submit to hoomiliatin condishns?
2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the Convenshuns uv sovereign States?
"Why," sez he, "but a few days ago this boor hed the ashoorence to write to the Georgy Convenshun that it 'must not'—mark the term—'MUST NOT assoom the confedrit war debt.' Is a tailor to say 'must not' to shivelrus Georgy? Good God!—where are we driftin? For one, I never will be consilliated on them terms—never! I never wuz used to that style uv talk in Dimekratic convenshuns.
"Ez soon ez I take my seet in Congris," resoomed he, "I shel deliver a speech, wich I writ the day after Lee surrendered, so ez to hev it ready, in which I shel take the follerin ground, to wit:
"That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev diskivered that they love the old Yoonion above eny thing on earth. But,
"The North must meet us half way, or we wont be answerable for the consekences. Ez a basis for a settlement, I shell insist on the follerin condishens:
"The Federal debt must be repoodiated, principal and interest, or ef paid, the Southern war debt must be paid likewise—ez a peece offerin. The doctrine uv State Rites must be made the soopreme law uv the land, that the South may withdraw whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfied with Massachusetts. Uv coarse this is a olive branch.
"Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty and Sumner hung, ez proof that the North is really consilliatory. On this pint I am inflexible, and on the others immovable."
An old man who hed bin listnin to our talk, murmured that there wuz a parallel to this last proposishen.
"Where?" demanded the Genral.
"The Jews, I remember," replied he, "demanded that Barrabas be released unto them, who wuz a thief, I believe, and the Savior be crucified, but I forgit jist how it wuz."
The Genral withered him with a litenin glance, and resoomed:
"I shel, uv course, offer the North suthin in the way uv compensation, for the troo theory uv a Republikin Government is compermise. On our part we pledge ourselves to kum back, and give the North the benefit uv our kumin back, so long ez Massachusetts condux herself akkordin to our ijees uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is rejected, all I hev to say then is, I shell resign, and the Government may sink without wun effort from me to save it."
I wuz about to give in my experience, when the old man, who wuz sittin near us, broke in agin:
"My name," sed he, "is Maginnis, and I live in Alabama. I want to say a word to the gentleman from Karliny, and to the wun from Noo Gersey."
"How," retorted I, "do yoo know I'm from Noo Gersey, not hevin spoken a word in yoor hearin?"
"By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Sutherner layin it down heavy to a indivijouel whose phisynogamy is uv sich a cast that upon beholdin it yoo instinktively feel to see that yoor pocket-handkercher is safe, a face that wood be dangerous if it had courage into it, I alluz know the latter to be a Northern copperhead. The Noo Gersey part I guessed at, becoz, my friend, that State furnished the lowest order uv copperheads of any uv em. Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to say wus, that I spose suthen hez happened doorin the past 4 years. I was a original secessionist. Sum years ago I hed a hundred niggers, and wuz doin well with em. But, unforchunitly, my brother died, and left me ez much more land, but no niggers. I wanted niggers enuff to work that land, and spozed ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuz reopened, I cood git em cheaper. Hentz I seceshed. Sich men ez Genral McStinger told me the North woodent fight or I woodent hev, secesht, but I did it. I went out for wool and cum back shorn. I seceshed with 100 niggers to git 200, and alas! I find myself back into the old government, with nary a nigger.
"But all this is no excoose for talkin bald noncents. Yoo old ass," sed he, addressin Genral McStinger, "yoo talk uv wat yoo will do, and what yoo wont. Hevent you diskivered that yoo are whipped? Hevent you found out that yoo are subjoogated? Are yoo back into the Yoonyun uv your own free will and akkord? Hevent yoo got a pardon in yoor pockit, which dockyment is all that saves yoor neck from stretchin hemp? Why do yoo talk uv wat South karliny will and wont do? Good Lord! I recollect about a year since South karliny would never permit her soil 2 be pollutid by Yankee hirelins, yit Sherman marched all over it with a few uv em, and skarcly a gun was fired at em. So too I recollect that that sed State, wich wuz agoin to whip the entire North, and wich wood, ef overpowered, submit gracefully and with dignity to annihilation, and sich, wuz the first to, git down on her marrow bones, and beg for peace like a dorg. Ef yoo intend this talk for the purpose uv skarin the North, beleeve me when I say that the North aint so easy skared ez it wuz. Ef its intendid for home consumption, consider me the people. Ive heard it before, and I'll take no more uv it until my stumick settles. It makes me puke. The fact is we are whipped, and hev got to do the best we kin. We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and aint goin to pay the confederet debt. Davis will be hung, and serve him rite. States rites is dead, and slavery is abolished, and with it shivelry; and its my opinion the South is a d——d sight better off without either of em. I kin sware, now, after livin outside uv the shadder uv the flag 4 yeres, that I love it! You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat pocket. I hev a middlin sized one waved by my youngest boy over the family when at prayers, and a whalin big one wavin over my house all the time. I hev diskivered that its a good thing to live under, and when sich cusses as yoo talk uv what yoo will and wont do under it, I bile. Go home, yoo cusses, go home! Yoo, South, and pullin orf your coat, go to work, thankin God that Johnson's merciful enuff to let yoo go home at all insted uv hangin yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment too good for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the men uv sense uv the North hed the manhood to prevent us from rooinin ourselves by makin sich ez yoo our niggers. Avaunt!"
And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently subjoogated, strode out uv our presence. His intemperit talk cast a chill over our confidencis, and we dident resoom with the ease and freedom we commenced with, and in a few minutes we parted. I didn't like him.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Remarkable Dream.—A Country settled exclusively by Democrats.
WASHINGTON, December 1, 1865.
Last nite I was the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't quit this explorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall become a second Saint John. Ef so, I maik no doubt my revelations will be uv a remarkably startlin character.
Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered they possest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the whole figger. They had forced the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers to testify, and in the Northern states had given em the elective franchise. Uv course the edecated and refined democrasy wood never consent to be carried up to the polls alongside uv a nigger—uv course no Democratic offis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with a nigger, onless he pays for it.
Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the heft uv the Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to some land where the Anglo-Sackson cood rool,—where there was no mixter of the disgustin African. Mexico wuz the country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The peeple on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv joy, and from every house hung banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez,—
"Now is our hen-roosts safe!"
"Canada on its way to Mexico!"
"Poor Mexico—we bewail thy fate!"
Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv Isrel. Our noses wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by day.
On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that country, struck probably with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our countenances, hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and hosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz a kompliment to us that them ez hadn't ennything remained.
Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern childern uv Isrel, decided to remane, and, uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a guvernment.
Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz chosen viva voce, ez President, and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 be dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late stait uv Noo Gersey, wich hez committed sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood—there wuzn't a bible to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got over by a New York Alderman yellin out, "Never mind the oath. What's the yoose uv any oath he takes?" So he wuz declared President.
Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army uv the Yoonited States to step forerd three paces. Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum stept forerd, and with em some 4,000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters' commissions, and whose accounts,
"Jest afore the battle, mother,"
didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who hed bin dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired to see em in the front, and who consekently considered it a d——d Ablishun war, wich they didn't approve uv no how.
Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army, he axed all them who bed bin in the service as privates to step forerd. 20,000 obeyed, and the President asked the fust one where he enlisted, who ansered ez follows:—
"At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1,000; and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700; and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800; and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400; and at—"
"Enough," said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and seein all the faces were uv the same style and expression, he asked no more uv em any questions.
Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he desired all who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out and desired to explain. They cood not say that they were just now in full connexion with any church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Synods and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and silenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but—
The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood read to step out. About one-half answered, and then he requestid sich uv this number ez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small office, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step out agin, and to my unutterable horror and consternation, every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees. Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously that there wuz nothin fair about that arrangement. They never knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold office in the Democratic party, and they'd never stand that, and they all stepped out.
Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some fucher time.
The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The President requested them ez preferred to foller mekanikle employments to step out: Sum thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin: About fifty stept out. Them ez expected to run small groceries:
There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninety-eight per cent, uv all—ceptin the officers and preachers—sprung to the front, but when they saw ther strength, their faces turned white. "Good Lord!" whispered they; "we can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. and the officers and preachers!"
The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all mite start alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not wuth while to bother about a division.
Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another, "Oh for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we left!" "I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishn nabers." "There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez we hed the majority, they paid taxes, which we spent!" "Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough to hev enough uv em to tax!" and ez wun man, they resolved to return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up awoke me.
There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez I hev syed for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuz successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered what we would do with the Treasury ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the other party nurse it into pickin condition for us.
I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous Dimocratic community.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Change of Base—Kentucky.—A Sermon which was interrupted by a Subjugated and Subdued Confederate.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), December 9, 1865.
Here in the grate Stait uv Kentucky, the last hope uv Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent, and here I propose to lay these old bones when Deth, who has a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see fit to 4close. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I luv it for its memories. Here stands the Capitol where the President makes his appintments; there is the Post Offis Department, where all the Postmasters is appinted. Here it was that Jaxon rooled. I hed a respex for Jaxon. I can't say I luved him, for he never yoosed us rite. He hated the Whigs ez bad ez we did, but after we beat em and elevated him to the Presidency, the stealins didn't come in ez fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the compliment he paid me. Jest after his election I presented myself afore him with my papers, an applicant for a place. He read em, and scanned me with a critic's eye.
"Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?" sez I, inquirinly.
"Certinly," sez he; "I kin and alluz hev. Its sich ez yoo I use to beet the whigs with, and I am continyooally astonished to see how much work I accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir," sed he, pintin to the door, "when I realize how many sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic."
I didn't get the office I wantid.
Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it. I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that city and the pavements are harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any other city in the Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congressmen, but that cood only last a short time, there not bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I had gone the rounds uv the House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the Senit. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank. "Put it down with the rest uv mine," sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand.
"Yoor name?" sez he.
Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, "Do you know Charles Sumner?"
Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'er-leaped herself. Hed I sed "Saulsbury," it mite have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drink uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them terms; my pride revolted, and so I emigrated. The gentlemanly and urbane conductors uv the Pennsylvania Central passed me over their road. They did it with the assistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane brakesmen, wich dropped me tenderly across the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car.
I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announsin myself ez a constooshnel preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin together a highly respectable awjience last Sunday.
Takin for a text the passage, "The wagis uv sin is death," I opened out ez follows:—
"Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen from yer normal condishen. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed, that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the stumick, and mighty close work its been for many years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, a quart or two more than his yoosual allowance, more than his stumick absolootely demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is sin, and the ache is the penalty.
"The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez the shadder is from the man—one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the assessor is to kum around—ez nite is to foller day. The Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a ornament, hez experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel. When—"
At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the house ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick which must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got through he'd punch my hed; whereupon I let him go on.
"Trooly," sez he, "the wages of sin is deth. I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence better. Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that righteousnis wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died, and a host uv tuppenny politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his old clothes, an undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy coold hev elected a honist man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev ground along for a longer period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that style we hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half uv them.
"The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz when Harrison beet us. The old pollytishens in our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, 'The Treasurey woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow after the suckin it has experienced for 12 years; it needs 4 years uv rest.' We elected Poke, and here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent compacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blud. We made a contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed in Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever sence prove the trooth uv the text, 'The wages uv sin is deth?' O, my frends! in wat hevy installments, and how regularly, hez these wages bin pade us.
"Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately died too soon, and skores uv uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton), whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a skatterin ensood.
"Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but shoorly the work uv deth went on. Bookannon wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us. After Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold ourselves, wood not let us off with this, however. 'The wages uv sin is deth,' and we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic States to foller; he forced the Northern Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone, and last fall, my brethrin, she sot in gloom.
"Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where are we? We went to war for slavery, and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites, and States Rites is dead. And Democracy tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to death.
"Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky? We sent our men to the confedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em. We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil promised us in pollytix hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen here hez fed alternately both armies, ez they cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait, my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show for my property is Confedrit munny, which is a very dead article uv death. I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage, and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on the preach. I'm dun."
Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn't go on. I dismist the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em together when sich prejudiced men aint present.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced in Kentucky.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), December 20, 1865.
At last! The deed is dun! The tiranikle government which hez sway at Washington hez finelly extinguished the last glimerin flicker uv Liberty, by abolishin slavery! The sun didn't go down in gloom that nite—the stars didn't fade in2 a sickly yeller, at wich obstinacy uv nachur I wuz considably astonished.
I got the news at the Post Offis (near wich I am at present stayin, at the house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts my improvin conversation and a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent for board). Sadly I wendid my way to his peaceful home, dreadin to fling over that house the pall uv despair. After supper I broke to em ez gently ez I cood the intelligence that three-fourths uv the States hed ratified the constooshnel amendment—that Seward had ishood his proclamation, and that all the Niggers wuz free!
Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance—never wuz there despair uv sich depth. All nite long the bereaved inmates uv that wunst happy but now distracted home wept and waled in agony wich wuz perfectly heart rendin.
"Wo is me," sobbed the old man, wringin his hands.
"John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole is marchin on.
"It took posseshun of Seward, and thro his ugly mouth it spoke the words 'the nigger is free,' and there is no more a slave in all the land.
"Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and healthy, and the wenches wuz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon.
"They worked in my house, and my fields, from the rising uv the sun to the goin down uv the same.
"Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz cured thereof; for lo! they wuz ez a child under my care.
"Did they run away? From Kentucky they run North, and lo! the Locofoco Marshals caught them for me, and brought them back, and delivered them into my hand, without cost, sayin, lo! here is thy nigger—do with him ez thou wilt (wich I alluz did), wich is cheeper than keepin dogs, and jest as good.
"Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv konkebines a suffishensy, but we wuz wiser in our day than him.
"For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv gold and shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil.
"We hed our konkebines with ez great a muchness ez Solomon, but we sold their children for silver, and gold, and red-dog paper."
And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz bin a father to his servants (and a grandfather to menny uv em) poured out his lamentations.
In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez they all hed their koats on, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard the news. The old gentleman explained the situation to em.
"Yoo will," sed he, "stay in yoor happy homes—you will alluz continue to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz dun!"
The niggers all in korious, with a remarkable unanimity, remarkt that ef they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves, they thought they woodent. In fact, they hed congregated at that time for the purpose uv startin life on their own hook.
A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old man's face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurst blood uv Ham, wood hev bin considered beautiful. Fallin on her neck, the old patriarch, with teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated,—
"Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I loved yoor mother ez never man loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my leisure hours—the companion uv my yooth. She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on the place—she and yoor older sisters. Farewell! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for yoo are still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me! Curses on the tirent who thus severs all the tender ties uv nachur. Oh! it is hard for father to part with child, even when the market's high; but, Oh God! to part thus—"
And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away genteely.
His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who wuz a half whiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck, and bemoaned his fate with tetchin pathos.
"Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children! Farewell faro, and hosses, and shampane—a long farewell! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and I sold em to supply my needs. Hed you died, I cood hev bin resigned; for when dead you ain't wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away livin, & wuth $2,000 in enny market—it's too much, it's too much!"
And he fainted, fallin across the old man.
"Who'll do the work about the house?" shreekt the old lady, faintin and fallin across Tom.
"Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?" shreekt the three daughters, swoonding away, and fallin across the old woman.
My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the three daughters; but I restraned myself, and wuz contented with strikin a attitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers away with a burnin cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance uv the forenoon in bringin on em too. Wun by wun they became conshus; but they wuz not theirselves. Their minds wuz evidently shattered; they wuz carryin a heavy heart in their buzzums.
Wood, Oh! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop! Sich misery does Ablishinism bring in its trane—sich horrers follers a departure from Dimikratic teechins. When will reason return to the people? Eko answers, When?
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian, who had Faith in the final Triumph of Democracy.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 6, 1866.
I see a lite. Democricy is not that dead karkis its enemies hoped for and its friends feared. My noomerious friends here insisted that ez I wuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon Dimocrisy, and flote with the current. I cant. Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so am I to Dimocrisy. Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones to bornins, and old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the most limited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it is with me. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child.
I hev diskivered many things sense I hev bin in Kentucky—things wich elevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunken soul ez wind does a bladder.
The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible fratrisidle war wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into twain, they preserved a strict nootrality. I hed a conversation with wun old patriarch, who asshoored me that he hed never taken sides.
Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles, he rifled the corpses uv both armies, impartially. "Cood any boddy be more nootraller than that?" he asked. "My sons," sed he, "wuz in the confedrit army. This fact wood hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in that direction; but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that gellorious star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped my niggers and sold their children; under whose shadder I hed men servants, and made servants, and home-made servants born unto me. That banner hed bin my shield. Ef my niggers run off, who so prompt in their pursoot ez the Democratic marshals, wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible? The instooshun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we cood hev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best holt. Whenever we wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to ask for it. The Ablishinists wood object, the Dimocrisy wood draw up a compermise, wich inklooded, ez a rool, twice or 3 times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union. Sich a Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it. Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for Kentucky alone—the only nigger State in the North—wood hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed when contemplatin the horrors uv war; but I cood do nothin to avert it. Kentucky wuz loyal, but nootral."
I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who hev returned from the confedrit service are not at all discouraged; on the contrary, they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I bleeve he wuz a Kernel under Gen. Forest; indeed, I think he told me he participated in the glorious victory at Fort Piller),—
"Why art thou cast down? Things is workin eggsackly to our hand."
In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it.
"I kin," sez he. "Lookye, my venerable friend. Is the Northern Dimocrisy still troo?"
"They is," I replied, "wat few remains. But, alas! war, crool war, hez decimated our ranks five times."
"How so?" sez he. "None uv your kind uv Democrats jined in this unholy croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin swords—did they?"
"Not any," sez I; "but Kanady and Montana took em afore each draft. That wuz why we wuz so beet at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Ablishinist we scared into our ranks, we lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emigrated starved to deth, and tother half is distribbited in the various States prisons in them lands uv refuge."
"Still," sez he, "it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin carry in most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. Noo Gersey will go back to her allegiance. The new gold States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez 2 devoted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern States will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended on to go any measure we say. Then"—and he slapped me on the back highlariously—"the niggers is free!"
"Well?" sez I, not seem wat cause for highlarity that wuz.
"Well," sez he, "them niggers is not now OTHER PERSONS! We alluz counted five uv em for three in making up the Congressers we wuz entitled to; now they count as white men, wich increases our delegashuns to sich an extent that ef yoo Northern men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majority in Congress. Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers wont be re-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose em to their normal condishun. We shell observe the Constitushnel Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afrikin shel be free; but the good uv society demands that he shel be under proper guardianship. He wont be allowed to change his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties, and give us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed to hev arms, so he can't resist. Ez he can't leave a plantation, he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun, akording to circumstances. Ef the planter is a unrejenerated child uv damnashun, he will shoot him; ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a blessed immortality beyond the grave, he'll restrane his anger, and turn him out to die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble. Then, they bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't obleeged to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it will be really better than it wuz before. I see a gellorious future afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the Northern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands; agin they shel eat the crumbs that fall from the National table.
"Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other blessins He has given the South. With niggers to do our manual labor for nothing, with Northern Democrats to do our votin at almost the same price, we are trooly a favored people. Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Democrat, wich is both useful to us, each in his speer!"
I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane uv pious thankfulness wich run through his discourse was nateral to him. He is a trooly pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches, wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us
"Our vigger renoo, And our journey pursoo,"
and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Vision.—Celebration of the Anniversary of the Taking of New Orleans.—In the Vision the Spirit of Andrew Jackson appears, and discourses of Various Things.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 12, 1866.
We had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day uv Janooary at the Corners last nite. My meetin house wuz gorgeously decorated for the occashun; the walls bein hung with confedrit battle flags, and on the corners of the pulpit wuz placed two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonville by one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv this State, residin at this pint. These skulls wuz illuminated by placin a taller candle inside uv each uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who contributed em, is, I need not say, a conservative Democrat, and in the matter uv swearing at Ablishnists he displays more talent, and hez a more comprehensive range uv oaths, than any man I ever knowed. The church wuz also decorated with mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich the followin is some uv em:—
"The Yoonyun ez it wuz—under Bookanan."
"The noble dead uv Kentucky—them ez fell pintin their guns north we'll alluz remember."
"Our returned soljers—beaten, but not conkered."
"Niggers and northern Dimocrisey—we've lost the first; thank God, the latter is ours forever."
I hevn't time nor space to give, in full, the perceedins uv the evenin. Suffice it to say, at 12, precisely, the company broke up, and sich uv em ez were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin in the refreshments wich indoost me to stay; in fact, I coodn't conveniently get out from under the table, where I hed fallen.
While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence, my unfettered sole went orf on a explorin expedishen into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed.
Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary uv the battle uv Noo Orleans, on a heavier skale than the wun just closed. We hed, at our festive board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz Fernandy Wood and his brother Ben, and Dan Voorhes, and the grate Valandigum and Frank Peerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge from his saint-like retirement, and meet with us. The South wuz represented by sich noble Dimocrats ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall; in short, it wuz a reyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not only to honor the memry uv Jackson, but to consult ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun from the rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be driftin.
The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the evenin, and Breckinridge Vice President, and toasts wuz drank ez follows:—
"The ancient Dimocrisy—troo to the country, ez long ez there is an office to be filled."
Response by Fernandy Wood.
"The President uv the evenin—the last Dimocratic President uv the Yoonited States."
Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz overkum, and sank back, his eyes suffoozed with tears. In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated that he wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez Elijer wuz, in a barouche with two white hosses. "White," he repeated; "for ef the team is black, I won't go; I'll die the nateral way fust." "My frends," sed he, "keep my mantle out uv the hands uv the Jews. Wher is the Elisha who'll wear it?"
"The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is, and the nigger where he ought to be."
Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin four years fightin the battles uv the Dimocrisy, whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in the sentiment. Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at the ballot-box. Nil despritrando must be the motto uv the Dimocrisy.
"Androo Jaxon, the—"
As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a clap uv thunder heard, wich shook the buildin, and made not only the windows rattle, but the glasses to dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson hisself, in the uniform uv 1812, come down through the ceelin. There wuz a frown on his countenance, terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he remarked that the gate-keeper uv hell must hev slept at his post, for out uv no other Depository cood there be gathered so many villianous countenances. "I perpose," sed he, "to respond to this sentiment myself." The Woods slid out uv their seets, under the table; Breckinridge sneaked out uv the church; Vallandigham, with his natural impudence, tried to face it out, but one look from Androo J. finished him, and he slid, and Bookannon tried to git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, and held him.
"I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo wunst disgraced, I okkepied, called to it, ez yoo wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore to preserve the constitooshen and the yoonyun, and so did yoo. I did it, and yoo didn't. When South Carliny undertook to nullify, I bustid the arrangement, becoz I didn't propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for in two wars go down to death, when a particle uv pluck, put in at the right time, cood save it. Yoo mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo took the seat for the purpose of bustin it; for one term of the Presidency yoo agreed to destroy the Government.
"What are yoo here for?" shouted the gost in a terribly sepulkral tone, and a stampin his feet and grittin his teeth. "To celebrate the battle uv Noo Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve Calhoon in. Under the shadder uv my name, yoor dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh, I'd hang yoo for. How I wished, in '60 and '61, I cood revisit the earth. I'd hev histed yoo out uv the seat yoo disgraced, and never hev let Linkin hed the credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev bin lively for some uv yoo. I'd hev ornamented the trees with your karkises; the Southern buzzards wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses.
"Go back, yoo idiots—go back to your first love. Get the wool out uv your teeth, and try to think more uv your country than yoo do uv a yaller girl. Yoo kin yit repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is the same ez mine, runs over with mercy, or he wood hev hung the half uv yoo. Repent and be saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The dyin theef wuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought to be encouragin to yoo, for yoo hev longer time left in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it. But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor own hook. Don't take my name in vain no more. I hevn't nothin in common with yoo, nor never had. Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv jackals alluz follers a lion, to devour the hides, and bones, and offal that he despises. The lion hez gone hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and are trying to imitate his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and the roar is a miserable squeak. Never let me hear of yoor celebratin any more uv my doins. I go."
And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid through the roof agin.
I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my intellectooal brow, and a mortal shiverin shook me. I wuz alone in the church, under the table where I originally fell, and around me wuz skattered, in confusion, the remnant uv the feast. I thot to myself, ef sich wuz the effect uv a dream uv the gost Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from the dead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then wood my prayer be continooally, "Good Lord, deliver us."
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
A Plan suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.—The Idea not New, but one which the Leaders of the Fierce Democracy have acted upon from the Beginning.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 27, 1866.
Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It beams onto me! It penetrates me! It fills me! Goy to the world!
I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy. I seed it yisterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky, wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my many virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I hedn't so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore the account mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved in total depravity.
While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich fell across my pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of men borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me. Their operations showed me the way to success—the shoor path to triumph.
"When," said I to myself, "when men seek gain they bore for it. They go down—never up." Even so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward, downward, through all the strata uv society. We went through the groceries; the next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the heft uv the people uv Noo Gersy; then Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pike county, Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots of converts.
There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats who wuznt born in the party hev slid down; to wit:—
Quarter dollar smiles.
15 cent nips.
10 cent drinks.
5 cent sucks.
A flat flask conceeled.
A bottle openly.
We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev now kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whiskey forced two thirds uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on their feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust.
But I hev deskivered that lower stratum—I hev found it; and when the idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The nigger is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years' lease uv power.
We must cultivate the nigger. HE MUST HEV THE SUFFRAGE! It is a burnin shame, that, in this Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv intelligence, livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men "free and ekal," that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorius privilege uv bein taken up to the poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote? Ah! why, indeed?
"But this is Ablishnism!" methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy observe in horrer. "And why give them votes who will use em agin us?"
My gentle friend, will they use their ballot agin us? Ef I know myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us. Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism; every noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God there wuzn't a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ez him in Congress year after year?
Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin representashen to voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress and more electoral votes than afore the war; and them States we kin depend on.
But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers ain't needed in the South. We'll send em North. A few thousand will overbalance the Ablishun majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country is saved—we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut for us will break his own head.
Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post orifis. We must give our Afrikin brother,—for is he not a man and a brother?—not only the suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. I want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than two hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the Sennit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes, that they'd slather this without considerin it, on jineral principles.
Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll take twenty years afore the Ablishinists kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin their tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.
Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin hands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met. Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez follered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious results.
"There's a lite about to gleem, There's a fount about to streem, Wait a little longer!"
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein many Curious Things, which are published as a Warning to Politicians.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 5, 1886.
Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half past eleven, after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv night. I alluz make it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm gittin old, and my digestive faculties ain't what they was when I wuz young. Alas! we who hev lived out the best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set back to the time when, with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good square meal without fear uv consekenses! But
"Them happy days is fled, And never will return."
I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet, some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch; and singler ez it may seem, it didn't set well. I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Methawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It was a singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world and the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it if they wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side uv this Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water.
On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flung onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities.
General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He hed on a life preserver, labelled "States Rights," but a peert little devil stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filled smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages labelled "Treason," "Perjury," and "Murder," and John C. went under.
Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman didn't keep above water as long ez a able bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled "Treason" struck him, and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge had a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that one wuz sufficient.
Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one make a motion at him, but he sunk all the same. "We never waste effort," sed Satan to me; "he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sink him, without pilin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old."
Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuz immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight labelled "Kansas," and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that's the last I seed uv him.
Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely. Nothin wuz flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.
"Why," sed Satan, "the poor old man isn't accountable. He commenced to talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don't know when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the Yoonited States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin more from Kentucky now than I am really entitled to. I've a mortgage on two-thirds uv that State."
Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ez though they were sure uv goin through all right. With a inimitable chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and sed, "Leave em to me," and at Ben he hurled a package uv the New York News, wich swashed him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the other shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled "Lotteries" and "Riots," which took him down to the arm pits, and finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz written "Mayoralty," and down he went; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief.
Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto him,—
"This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for you."
"Nothin to speek uv," sed he. "The leaders uv the Southerners were, sum uv em, honest, and got through on that account, and the rank and file were ignorant wretches, who ain't accountable, no how. The leading copperheads uv the North were mine, anyhow, from the beginnin. Any man who cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em for sich a sin. Why," sed he, "do yoo think I use all the shot I hev? Not any. Them yoove seen piled on were used because, bein the last, they were on the top uv the pile.
"Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows who are yet votin for Jackson I'll never git, and the most uv them ez alluz votes unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects em. It takes a modritly smart man to be vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hev sense enuff to distinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff to deliberately choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlin in that line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities developed to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between him and Fernandy Wood its nip and tuck. Fernandy did wicked things with more neatnis than Voohees, but for a actual love uv doin em Voohees beets the world. I sed," continued he, "that the war wuzn't uv much yoose to me. I repeat it; it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood count on at least two planters, and under the patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the way, wuz one uv my most brilliant consepshuns), octooroons multiplied with a rapidity pleasin to behold. But now, alas! the octooroon bizness is done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hope, however. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn't think they possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next President and re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with unutterable joy. The redoosin of the nigger to bondage agin wood give me a clean title to evry last one who helped to do it, and in gittin em back into their normal condishun (by the way, that's another phrase uv mine), ther'd be enuff slaughterin and murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I'd help em ef I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their speekers or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don't see the yoose uv interferin."
At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me into the stream, and in the struggle, I awoke. My dreem wuz o'er, but the impreshun remained. "Kin it be," mused I, pensively, "that we are doin the devil's work, and are we to be finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision? Ef so, hedn't I better quit and repent?"
But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait ticket for thirty years, and the ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a time in which to repent successfully uv sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin that I had turned Fenian—hed elected myself Hed Center for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a magnificent plantashun.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Onto a Soldier, wich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but is now a howlin Ablishnist, wich I saw a limpin about on one Leg, hevin left the other at Anteetam.
Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forth Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet, Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet: I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North! Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants, The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend, Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend, Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints. Monster unnachral! by niggerism hatched, Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo've slain, Who'll never rally to the poles again To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched. Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin: To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin!
The Situation.—The Attempt of the President to wheedle Democrats into Supporting his Policy without giving them the Offices commented upon.—The Democracy warned.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 15, 1866.
I hev had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez bin centred onto him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we hev bin making bricks without straw for five long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned for Johnson! O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after week, and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich is satisfactory—suthin tangible—suthin that I cood take hold on.
Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen; wich is all right so fur ez religion ez concerned, but uv no account in politix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under the insane belief that ef a man had faith pork wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success? Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a week he wuz down to 125; and in fourteen days he slep in the valley!
I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am thin. My bones show; light shines through me; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin that I can see and feel—suthin solid!
Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin Androo Johnson. They claim that his polisy is our polisy; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are singin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim Halleloogy! in chorus. What is it all about? In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed hisself to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, "WHERE IS THE OFFICES?" Who's got em? What is the politikle convickshuns uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner, to trust me for postage stamps? Who is the Collectors, the Assessors, et settry? Are they constitooshnel Dimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out uv the cabinet, and Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not onct. Every post master, every collector, every assessor, every officer, is a ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors.
Faith without works is a weak institution; its like a whisky punch with the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar. What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded, so ez I don't get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishl heads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez he chooses; but my sole refuses to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe, will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept out, what care I who hez the places? Paul may plant and Apollus water; but uv what account is the plantin and waterin to me ef I don't get the increase? I take no delight in sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat,—ef he desires the honest, hearty support of the party,—let him seel his faith with works.
I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him without hesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin his policy and aboosin him continually; that it wuz a outrage that men holdin place under the Administration should not sustain the Administration. In the name uv Right, I demanded a change.
I sposed that to wunst the position would be offered to me; and after protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and would prefer the apintment of some more worthy man, I should accept it, and go home provided for three years. Imagine my deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a change, PROVIDED HE COULD FIND, IN THE VICINITY, SOME ORIGINAL UNION MAN WHO WOULD ACCEPT THE PLACE!
Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we had no lot nor part.
Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We are willin to endorse Androo Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theories uv Reconstruction, or any man's theories. We are elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his maternal parent that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wanted to see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity. We kin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all the various localities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown's body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud tone, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for doin away with slavery in the District of Columby and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin men uv the John Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connecticut nominee. Sich a variety uv principle,—a party uv sich adaptability,—kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is no diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is subordinate. That idea is POST OFFICE! and ef Androo Johnson could be got rite on that question, we'd care not wat else he required uv us.
We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to our buzzums; but he hez left his baggage to hum. That baggage is wat we want; and we shel fling him off shortly, onless he changes his policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which to fight his battles. Will he do it? That's the question a hundred thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily askin.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
The President's 22d of February Speech.—The Account thereof of One behind the Scenes.—Hopes and Fears of the Democracy.
WASHINGTON, February 23, 1866.
I don't know; but there is a still small voice within me wich whispers, "All is well!" The delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with me. The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it's my opinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen onto the Dimocracy; that our night uv gloom is over; and that, at larst, the Government, or at least the only part we care about,—the offisis,—is ourn. I heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up! I SMELT HIS BREATH. It's all rite!
I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied assortment uv Ablishn abominashens,—the Freedmen's Burow bill,—notwithstandin there were pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound. When he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon sekoorin the niggers in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a honist diffrence uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite be settled, and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers is to hev rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference does it make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner's system (on whose head rest cusses!), or A. Johnson's? And ez is customary when men ask theirselves questions, I got no answer. Men never ask theirselves questions wich kin be answered.
But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with Androo all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and knowin he'd done suthin he wuzn't quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and we wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it singler that men, when they go to the devil, alluz go in squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax from Forney's Press, and choice selections from Sumner's speeches; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him that only in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that conjeniality uv sperit so nessary to him; and by the time the serenade wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz possible, and his capassity in that line is immense.
The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes saw the first cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from Lee's army in his soot uv gray, which hed, by continyood contact with the pavements uv Washington—wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's time, they don't sweep—hed become somewhat uv the color uv the clay. There wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who, though they didn't serve their section in the field, were ardent in their support uv the cause. There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in Johnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the scene wich took place at the inauguration, wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applications for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich went up for J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a President—the man who had the appintin power in his hands—who cood make and unmake Post Offisis.
It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through with it? Wood he lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens? Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience before him; for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed people. But Cox and Florence wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel whispered into his one ear, "Whitewash!" and Florence into tother, "Charles the I.!" and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well, he waded it. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul expanded; and ez he went on, pilin Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang, improved by a liberal mixter uv the more desprit variety he hed picked up in Washinton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us. He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats; and it wuz appreciated. Strippin off all uv the disguise he hed bin a wearin for four years,—washin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities wich hed alluz troubled him,—he stood forth ez we knowd him—Androo Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his late associates! and how those Dimokrats who kum to Washinton with petitions for places in their pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other in the ribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich they cood not conceal! And how the Ablishnists, wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrowfully and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv Lee, and the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uv the moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the Northern men in the crowd! It wuz gorgus.
While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I don't want it to be understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely indorse him. I don't go much on men who do things in a state uv madnis; neither do I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat—a ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in his yooth, gave him a preeminence over us in Tennessee, and put him through the various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz with us; his style wuz our style, and his habits our habits; and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a critikle time in the histry uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the South wuz makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor; the aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him; but all this shood not hev affected him. It's the normal condishn uv the lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquire whether anything the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a failyoor or not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questionin.
Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be loyal, and Massachoosits patted him on the back. They took him into good society. They let him associate with Sumner and sich, and the man became infatooated. He got to drinkin high priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed bin thrown, There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within him—nateral proclivities and acquired tastes—wich may be represented by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard's. Massychoosits wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz equally vigorously pullin him down. He wantid to stay with Massychoosits, but he wuz uncomfortable all the time; and finally nacher asserted her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the water long confined in a dam, when its bustid its obstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and tears up, and takes a very large quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it.
Before I tie myself to A.J., I want to know fer certin what he proposes to do. WHO IS TO HEV THE POST OFFISIS? Is Ablishnists to still retain the places uv trust and profit? Does he propose to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republikins ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimocrisy? Ef so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically, count me out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins, percisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich a character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won't be tail to no kite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never! Ef we boost Androo Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin? Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along without offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank you; and we haven't the responsibility uv the Administration uv a eggstremely shaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for.
But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from Sumner and Stevens; and in less than a week every Republikin uv modrit sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that extent that he won't be able to git back agin. He's an animal uv the bull kind; and criticism and opposition is to him the red flag wich the Spanish matadors, I bleeve they call em, waves afore the animals they wish to infooriate, and they may drive him into our ranks.
I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission, with the broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it, confirmin me in the possession uv the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation to the Presidency. May the day be hastened!
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Another Warning.—Profuse Expenditure of Powder and Torchlight Processions deprecated.—The President implored to show his Hand.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 29, 1866.
I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns, and marchin after brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest!
In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted sitizen, I protest!
In the name uv common sense and ordnary politikle sagassity, I protest!
Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy; but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my letters from "Post Orifis, Confedrit x Roads?" Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated case uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnel Democrat in his stead? Not that I hev heard of. Per contrary, the Ablishnists—them ez wuz apinted by Linkin—are still holdin on, ez calm ez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any change affectin them.
Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays the Powder? Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they like the the war hoss in Job's writins, who smelled the battle afar off, and remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets? Let me enticet sich that they kin make a better investment uv their means.
The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen Ablishnists on the road to Dimocrisy.
Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself, and principally becoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin smell carrion a long distance, and they are seldom at fault. In this case, they may be. They base their hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington, on the 22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain't it possible that the stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed cum from Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him?
"But," sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack of supplies, hez softened down from a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and who woodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it wuznt offered him, "look at the class he spoke to."
Wat noncents! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv bile on hiz politikle stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and it wuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he shood hev a nasty audience to say em to.
I don't propose to go orf into spasms over the present sitooashun. Johnson proposes to continoo the Freedmens' Buro, and hezn't no noshun of repeelin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from, we uv the South is still in a stait of abject custitood. Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from us hevn't bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin without em. I knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uv assertin the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the Afrikin, and wuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen's Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chivalrous members are exclooded from Congris on the frivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the Confederit servis; and all these outragis agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin, absolootly approves.
I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat uv thirty years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides uv every politikle fence. The seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But, before I take down these things, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties, by bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther a low grade of skoundrels, I think it well enuff to hev the consideration paid down.
Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am his to command, for a consideration; ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who hev bin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations. But I want suthin to go on. When I hev his permisson, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis Department, to write "P.M." after my illustrious name, I shell be prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for supportin him. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional one, and then I fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed to be the sun of all religious systems. POST OFFIS is the central figger in all Democratic creeds—the theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv dreems by night. How long! oh, how long!
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
Refuses to Support the President, having no Confidence in Him.—Again warns the Democracy.
CONFEDRIT x ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 12, 1866.
The politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds. Darkness is on the face uv the waters. The waves is a rollin mountin high, the litenin flashes ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed thunder mutters angrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I look out, and what do I see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with a valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and sich, a laborin in the trough uv the sea, her bowsprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyards bustid, her jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced, and her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin bin a sailor, only ez a driver on the Wabash Kanal, it is possible my nautikle terms may not be altogether correct. But it makes no difference in the interior uv Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her harbor, and is workin manfully. Close behind her is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board her. For a time it seemed ez tho she wood be successful, but alas! she is fallin astern, and every minnit the distance between em is a widenin, widenin, widenin, and at present writin there ain't the remotest prospect uv their gettin within hailin distance uv each other.
To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk when I feel so disposed), the prospect isn't ez encouragin ez it wuz, and I fear, in fact I feel certain, that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisy thought it had found through Androo Johnson's veto, is reely the longest way round. I cannot understand what indoost the Dimocratic leaders, our chosin standard-bearers, to make sich egrejus asses uv theirselves ez to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What cood they hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience in 1864 sufficient to deter em from makin any experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv our principles? Didn't we, in the hope uv ketchin Abolition war votes, nominate MickLellan, and didn't the war men jeer us, and flout us, and say, "Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; why shood we leave home to find that uv wich we hev a plenty?" When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv temporary indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our people, like idiots, pick him up, and endorse him without givin the matter matoor considerashun—without waitin for the fax? Didn't they know that Sumner wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich worked on the President's liver, and necessitated the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed accumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy? Uv course it wuz, and to-day Androo Johnson, hevin in that speech got rid uv the last vestidge uv Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger man agin us than ever. We made two errors: On the 4th uv March, 1865, at his inoggerashun, when he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently to ourselves, "It's all right! he's yet wun uv us." And we sed the same after the splurge uv the 22d uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz both fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a noble nacher a tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and from the fact that he immejitely after commenst a missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicans to offises, and hezn't showed a sine uv a disposition to extend his hand to a single confidin Democrat, it's my opinion he's succeeded.