This Giddy Globe
by Oliver Herford
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["Very delightful wit and artist." —Woodrow Wilson]




TO PRESIDENT WILSON [With all his faults he quotes me still.]





[The Preface, which is strictly private and concerns only ourselves and the Reader, has been removed to another part of the book.]

The Author makes due Acknowledgment to Charles Scribner's Sons for the use of certain verses, and to Miss Cecilia Loftus for her series of Perfect Day Pictures.









* * * * *






Six busy days it took in all To make a World and plan its fall, The seventh, SOMEONE said 'twas good And rested, should you think he could? Knowing what the result would be There would have been no rest for me! Claire Beecher Kummer.

It takes much longer to write a Geography than, according to Moses, it took to create the World which it is the Geographer's business to describe; and since the Critic has been added to the list of created beings, it is no longer the fashion for the Author to pass judgment on his own work.

Let us imagine, however, that concealed in the cargo of Hypothetic Nebula destined for the construction of the Terrestrial Globe was a Protoplasmic Stowaway that sprang to being in the shape of a Critic just as the work of Creation was finished.

Would it not be interesting to speculate upon that Critic's reception of the freshly made World?

We may be sure that he would have found many things not to his liking; technical defects such as the treatment of grass and foliage in green instead of the proper purple; the tinting of the sky which any landscape painter will tell you would be more decorative done in turquoise green than cobalt blue.

Like the foolish Butterfly in the Talmud, who (to impress Mrs. Butterfly) stamped his tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon's Temple, our Critic might have declared the World "Too flimsy in construction." He would certainly have found fault with the Solar System and the Plumbing—the absence of heat in Winter when there is the greater need of it and the paucity of moisture in the desert places where it never rains.

The comicality of the Ape family might have provoked a reluctant smile, but much more likely a lecture on the impropriety of descending to caricature in a serious work.

At best, our Critic would have pronounced the freshly made World the work of a beginner, conceding perhaps that he "showed promise" and "might go far," and if he wished to be very impressive indeed, he would pretend that he had penetrated the veil of Anonymity and hint darkly that he detected evident traces of a Feminine Touch!

In that, however, our Critic would only have been anticipating, for is there not at this very moment on the press a Suffrage edition (for women only) of the Rubaiyat, in which one verse is amended to read thus—

The ball no question makes of Ayes or Nos, But right or left, as strikes the Player goes, And SHE who tossed it down into the field, SHE knows about it all, SHE knows, SHE knows!



For the Reader Only


This is for you, and you only. We have concealed it between chapters one and two so that it will not meet any eye but yours.

We have a confession to make—it would be useless to attempt concealment—we have the Digression habit.

We have tried every known remedy but we fear it is incurable.

All we ask, Gentle Reader, is that when we stray too far you will favour us with a gentle reminder.



It is a long jump from Moses, the author of the first work on Geography, to Peter Simple.

When the acrobatic reader has fetched his breath and looks back at the fearsome list of Geographers he has skipped—Strabo, Anaximander, Hecatoeus, Demoeritus, Eudoxus, Ephorus, Dicoearchus, Erastothenes, Polybius, Posidonius and Charles F. King,—he may well be thankful to find he has fallen upon his feet.

The Geographer's task is endless.

The Planet he endeavours to portray is perpetually changing its appearance. After thousands and thousands of years, it is no nearer completion than it was in the beginning.

The Sea with its white teeth bites the edges of the continents into new shapes, as a child bites the edges of a biscuit. The glaciers file away the mountains into valleys and plains. Beneath the ocean busy insects are building the foundations of new continents and, under the earth, Fiery Demons are ready at all times to burst forth and help to destroy the old ones.

It really begins to look as if this Planet would never be finished.

In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us there were only two people in the world.

Today we are preparing to put up the "standing room only" notice. In another thousand years, for aught we know, the earth may be going round dark and tenantless and bearing the sign "To Let." What does it matter to us? What are we but microscopic weevils in the mouldy crust of earth? Sufficient unto the day is the weevil thereof.



Men of Science, who delight in applying harsh terms to things that cannot talk back, have called this Giddy Globe an Oblate Spheroid.

Francis Bacon called it a Bubble; Shakespeare, an Oyster; Rossetti, a Midge; and W. S. Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a Ball—

Roll on, thou ball, roll on! Through pathless realms of Space Roll on! What though I'm in a sorry case? What though I cannot meet my bills? What though I suffer toothache's ills? What though I swallow countless pills? Never you mind Roll on! (It rolls on.)

But these people belong to a privileged class that is encouraged (even paid) to distort the language, and they must not be taken too literally.

The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not to say obese.

Her waist measurement is no less than twenty-five thousand miles. In the hope of reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and violent exercise, but though she spins round on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles an hour every day, and round the sun once a year, she does not succeed in taking off a single mile or keeping even comfortably warm all over.

No wonder the globe is giddy!


Explain the Nebular Hypothesis.

State briefly the electromagnetical constituents of the Aurora Borealis, and explain their relation to the Hertzian Waves.

Define the difference between the Hertzian Wave and the Marcel Wave.



What is the Earth for? Nobody knows. Some say the Earth was made to supply the wants of Man, but as Man is part and parcel of the Earth herself, dust of her dust, mould of her mould, it does not answer the question.

To be sure the Earth produces the Tobacco Plant, and many other things that we classify among the needs of Man, including the "Friendly Cow"—

She walks among the flowers sweet And chews and chews and chews, And turns them into friendly meat, And pleasant boots and shoes.

But the "Friendly Cow" may in her secret heart regard the classification as anything but friendly. For all we know, in the hidden scheme of Creation, the Cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution into the Perfect Being, and Man (to reverse Darwin), descending through the Ape to ever lower planes, only a discarded experiment.

And the Tobacco Plant? In the course of time there may be no Tobacco Plant.

Should the American People be again tempted to wage a World War for Freedom, they may find on their return that the Tobacco Plants have gone to join the Grape Vines of California!

Our only hope will then be that smoking is permitted in Hea——*

* The Author is digressing. The Reader.


What is "Friendship"?

Why is the Cow "friendly"?

Is the Oyster friendly?

When Prohibition is applied to tobacco will cigars containing less than one-half of one per cent tobacco be permitted?



The Earth is self-centred. Poised on an imaginary toe, she pirouettes round her self-centre, at the rate of over a thousand miles an hour.

We say imaginary toe because the Earth, owing to the enormous size of her waist, has never been able to see it.

To anyone with a waist measurement of twenty-five thousand miles the very existence of toes is purely problematical.

To wear an actual belt round a waist of such dimensions would be impossible even if it could be of any use. Instead, therefore, the Earth wears round her middle an imaginary line called the Equator.

To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence we have depicted the Earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any way hampering her movements complies with the strict regulations pertaining to feminine attire.

Being self-centred, the Earth has naturally an exaggerated sense of self-esteem.

Other Spheres of equal or greater importance are referred to as "Luminaries" and supposed to exist chiefly for the purpose of furnishing light when the Sun and Moon are otherwise engaged.

Oh would some Power the giftie gie her To see, as other Planets see her!


Can an imaginary line be said to exist?

If not, why does it need an excuse for existence?



Matter-of-fact Geologists speak of the Earth's Crust as if there were only one Crust.

Thoughtful people (like ourselves) who can read between imaginary lines, know that there are (as in a pie) two Crusts, the Upper Crust and the Under Crust.

The Upper Crust is pleasantly situated on the top and is rich and agreeable and much sought after.

The Under Crust is soggy and disagreeable. The only apparent reason for its existence is to hold up the Upper Crust.

To quote the eminent Nonsensologist Gelett Burgess—

The Upper Crust is light as snow And gay with sugar-rime; The Under Crust must stay below, It has a horrid time.

When in the course of time the Upper Crust becomes too rich and heavy for the popular taste, the Social Pie flops over and the Under Crust becomes the Upper Crust.

These periodic flip-flops of the Social Pie are called Revolutions.

You would think that a Revolving Pie would be a disturbing thing to have in one's system, but the Giddy Globe doesn't seem to mind it in the least.

Balanced on an imaginary toe, she continues to pirouette at the rate of a thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were the matter.

The latest specimen of Acrobatic Pastry is after a Russian recipe.

The Bolshevik Pie has no Upper Crust at all and is declared by the leading Chefs of Europe to be unfit for human consumption, but the proof of the Pie is in the eating, how would you like to try just a——*

* Take it away, or we won't read another word! The Reader.

Oh, very well! We never did care much for pie anyway, not even for breakfast.



In spite of incessant and violent exercise, the Giddy Globe (as we have remarked before) is unable to keep comfortably warm all over.

Her Temperature varies from intense cold at her upper and lower extremities to fever heat in the region of her equatorial diaphragm.

Ancient Geographers indicated these variations of temperature by means of Zones.

The Term Zone is derived from the Greek word [Greek: zone] a Belt or Girdle, and a Girdle in the days of the First Geography Book was the principal (if not the only) garment of a well dressed person.

Today, however, the Girdle is no longer accepted as a complete costume.

No modern Costumer would countenance such a "model," it would be too easy to copy and consequently unprofitable.

Even the "Knee-plus-ultra" of Newport or Palm Beach Society would hesitate to pose for the Sunday Supplement Photographer in a one-piece Bathing Girdle.

You might explore the World of Dress, from the Land of the Midnight Follies to the Uttermost parts of Greenwich Village and find nothing exactly like it.

It is on its way, to be sure, but it will never be fashionable until—

The two extremes of decollete Of Ballroom and of Bathing Beach Here meet in a bewildering way And mingle all the charms of each.

Why, then, in this up-to-date Geography Book, should we depict the Giddy Globe in an obsolete hoop skirt of imaginary Zones?

In striving to answer the question, we have hit upon a pleasing compromise.

At least it is up-to-date.

A. and E. are the two extremities of the Giddy Globe, which are quite bare.

They correspond to the Frigid Zones.

C. is the Corset, which being hot and uncomfortable corresponds to the Torrid.

D. is—that is to say are——*

* Pardon us for interrupting—but we thought this was to be a geography book. The Reader.



Some people are sensitive about their ages. The Giddy Globe has never told us hers.

Rude men of science, after careful examination, declare she can't be a day under five billion years old.

Theologians, ever tactful in feminine matters, set her down as a shrinking young thing of barely four thousand summers.

Real delicacy of feeling goes with the bulging tum rather than with the bulging forehead; who ever saw a thin Bishop or a fat man of science!

Happy the man with the bulging Tum, Who smiles and smiles and is never glum!— But alas for the man with the bulging brow, If he wanted to smile, he wouldn't know how!

If the Giddy Globe asked us to guess her age, we should say, without a moment's hesitation, "Whatever it is you certainly don't look it!"

Astronomers may say what they like, a Planet is as old as it looks, especially if it is a Lady-Planet, and we have seen ours when she didn't look a June day over sixteen! and, not having a bulging forehead, we told her so!

Astronomers think themselves so wise, but what do they know about the sex of the Planets?

With the exception of Mother Earth and old Sol Phoebus,—nothing!

If you asked an Astronomer whether the Pleiad girls were really the daughters of Atlas, or what Jupiter was doing with eight Moons (if they were Moons), he would think you were trifling with him.

But is it not possible that the old Greek tales were the garbled gossip of an age-forgotten science of which we have only the A.B.C.?

If it is Love that makes the world go round (and who can prove that it isn't?), what makes the other Planets go round?

How about the movements of the Heavenly Bodies?

How about——*

* This is all very interesting, but don't you think perhaps it is—— The Reader.

Quite right! Quite right! how we do run on!



There are no good photographs of the Giddy Globe; she refuses to sit.

Imagine attempting to photograph an obese and flighty Spheroid who spends her time pirouetting round in a circle with all her might and main.

Perhaps it is to avoid the photographer that the Earth spins, and not merely to reduce her girth as we hinted elsewhere.

In these days such a strenuous evasion of publicity is suspicious.

Where does she come from?

Where is she going?

She refuses to answer, she will not even state her business or tell her real name.

For aeons (quite a number of aeons) this Giddy one has been going round under various male and female aliases such as—Cosmos, Mother Earth, The World, Mrs. Grundy, the Footstool, the Terrestrial Globe.

If you look up her record you will find the following press notices—

"The Earth's a thief." Timon of Athens.

"Earth's bitter." Wordsworth.

"This distracted Globe." Hamlet.

"This tough World." King Lear.

"Naughty World." Merchant of Venice.

"This World is given to Lying." Henry IV.

"The World is too much with us." Wordsworth.

"The World is grown so bad." Richard III.

"The narrow World." Julius Caesar.

"The World is not thy friend." Romeo and Juliet.

"The World's a bubble." Bacon.

"This World is all a fleeting show." Moore.

"The World was not worthy." St. Paul.

"The World's a tragedy." Horace Walpole.

"This bleak World." Moore.

"The weary weight of all this unintelligible World." Wordsworth.

"A World of vile ill-favoured faults." Merry Wives of Windsor.

"Stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this World." Hamlet.

"This dim spot that men call Earth." Milton.

"The wicked World." W. S. Gilbert.

It is possible that the Giddy Globe has read the above clippings and, realizing that she has been discovered, spins round with all her might to avoid being photographed for the Rogues' Gallery of the Universe.

Appearances are certainly against her.

* * *

When I am moved to contemplate The rude and unregenerate state Of that rampageous reprobate The World at large, And as I mark its stony phiz And see it whoop and whirl and whiz, I can but cry—O Lord, why is The World at large?



Climate is a Theory. Weather is a condition.

Or, to make it clearer to the reader, Climate is a Hypothesis and Weather is a Reductio ad Absurdum. This explains why it invariably snows for the first time in years whenever one goes to California.

What is the Weather for?

Everything in Nature is designed to contribute to the needs or pleasures of Mankind.

From the tree of the forest we get the wood from which the nutmeg is made, the wood-alcohol for our Scotch high-ball and the pulp for our newspaper, which, in turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of our soldiers' boots.

From the sands of the sea we make sugar for sweetening our coffee—that mysterious beverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never been revealed.

From the cotton plant comes the woolen under-garment and the soldier's blanket.

From the lowly cabbage springs the Havana Perfecto, with its gold and crimson band, and from the simple turnip is distilled the golden champagne, without which so many lives will now be empty.

Even the humble straw has its uses—to indicate the trend of the air current and for the stuffing of the life-preserver.

What then is the use of the Weather?

Supposing you have made a globe and put some people upon it to live. What would you do to make them feel at home?

You would give them something to talk about.

Just so—the Weather was designed to furnish a universal topic of conversation for Man.

Without the Weather, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 conversations would die in their infancy.

In the first geography book we learn from Moses how and of what the Weather was made.

Since then, nothing has been so much talked about as the Weather, and in nothing has so little advance been made.


Is it notoriety that makes the Weather-Vane?

Where does the Winter-Resort in Summer? And why?

How many litres of champagne can be extracted from the cube-root of one turnip?

What did the Weather do to get herself so talked about?



The terrestrial Globe is pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow and green.

The blue portion is called Water and is inhabited by oysters, clams, submarines, lobsters and turtles, besides delightful schools of fishes and whales.

The pink, yellow and green portions are called Land and are alive with human beings and other animals and vegetables.

Besides the animals and vegetables there are mountains, table-lands, rivers, forests and lakes.

In former times mountains were used as protective barriers. Today they serve as monuments to Public Men for whom they are named (See Presidential Range), and country seats for retired Grocers and Fishmongers.

Rivers are the most curious and interesting form of Water.

Though seldom as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved as Congressional speeches, and have to be curled into the most ludicrous shapes to get them into the countries where they belong.

The first thing a river does after rising is to betake itself as fast as it can to the nearest River-Bed, in which it remains for the rest of its days.

The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named after the single-breasted suffragette of ancient times.


How many rivers can get into one river-bed?

Why is a Congressman?

When Noah saw the flood subside, "The world is going dry!" he cried, "So let us all, without delay, Fill up against a drouthy day."



In the first geography we are told of a young married couple who were cast into the world for a pomological error on their part, about 4000 B.C.

Some seventeen centuries later, the world was lost sight of in a deluge.

It was re-discovered by a navigator named Noah who, though barely six hundred years old, was the commander of a sea-going menagerie.

Commander Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days, landed from his zooelogical water-wagon upon a precipitous Asiatic Jag called Ararat on the twenty-seventh of February, 2300 B.C.



The term "Habitable Globe" was doubtless invented by some Celestial Humorist who had never visited this planet.

People live on it, to be sure, but they have no choice. There is nowhere else to live.

The Giddy Globe ...*

* Isn't it about time to drop this personal simile? The Reader.

... Quite so. Suppose we consider the Globe as an Apartment House.

We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultily constructed.

The Heating Apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest to the Radiator are insufferably hot, those farthest away unbearably cold, and those between too changeable for comfort.

The Water Supply is unreliable. In some apartments, great numbers perish every year from thirst.

In the cellar there is a munition factory where, in defiance of regulations, there are stored High Explosives. These blow up from time to time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants.

The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since the house was started and holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints. When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, when people want him most to stay, nothing can stop him.

His name is Tempus.



The first tenants (as before stated) were a young couple who had been compelled to leave a more luxurious apartment because children were not allowed, though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated.

On the whole, the Globe is anything but a model Apartment House. Each family considers itself the only respectable one in the building and they are constantly squabbling for the possession of the most desirable rooms.

The tenants of the different stories, originally of one colour, have been tanned according to their proximity to the Solar Stove. They come in five shades of fast colours—Black, Brown, Yellow, Red and White,—the White being farthest away from the Stove.

There are also some brighter colours, which are not guaranteed,—varying from the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist Savage to the delicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady.

This last is the most delectable of all—but, alas, it is the one that fades most quickly.



All the Families agree that the tenants of the Globe should be of one uniform shade.

Each Family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the only fitting one for the Perfect Human Being.

To that end he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to get rid of all the other tints.

All of which is a great waste of centuries! Old Tempus the Janitor has always settled the Tint question with his Solar Stove and always will.

A week at the seashore in August ought to convince anyone of the efficiency of the Solar Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf bather is locked up the secret of Race Colouration.

And yet there are some Great and Wise Ones who believe that Civilization (with the assistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. Royce and a few others) will bring the Race Families into such close relationship that they will eventually be all blended into one harmonious Neutral Tint!

A pale mauve World! One tint, one religion, one food, one dress, one Drink, one everything.

How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and forever which it is to be—Blonde or Brunette!

Oh those Wise and Great Ones!



The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth's lines:

"The simple plan That they should take who have the power And they should keep who can."

In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker, stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of remaining on earth.

Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.

Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.

Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.

In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.

In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.

In a Republic, they are Sold.

For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are managing their own affairs.

This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc.

These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.


Q. What is a Constitution?

A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death.

Q. What is the essential difference between one government and another?

A. The price of life.



According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom handed down to us by our First Parents.

Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous organism.

In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural geographical latitude.

This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their proper geographical environment.

(See Moral Map of the World.)

* * * * *



The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.

The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.

The rest are just Foreign Countries.



The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.

This chapter is about the North Pole.

The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.

It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.

Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.

The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is English.

The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the language of the next discoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.

Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.

The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers, Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.

So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so successful as an advertising medium.



Let us see America first.

On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.

One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!

But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England, you will understand that discovering America in those days was no child's play.

Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.

How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!

After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.

No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they meant.

And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.

America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.

Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a magazine article on his Impressions of America.

A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole continent in his own name.

By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark to the horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.

And still they come—and though it is too late to secure a copyright on the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of America.



In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and Ancestors.

Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and canine).

BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.

BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.

The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as

"The home of the Bean and the Cod Where Lowells speak only to Cabots And Cabots speak only to God."

Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet named Ibid, but what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors?

Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well repay a visit.

Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.



The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely surrounded by Trusts.

It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful, nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.

When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.

So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market price.

To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I. Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.

At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grape vines have been destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious Tobac——*

* We fail to see what this has to do with Geography. The Reader.

Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on the south by Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans.

Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.

A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.

The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.

The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of the fashions for future use.

The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.

Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.

In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers. Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive Genius than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.

Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once popular favourite.

People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.

The Capitol of the United States is Washington—named after a famous Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.

New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages besides English.

* * *

The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.


1 Thirst 23 Aquasity 2 Self-effacement 24} 3 Calculation 25} Prairifulness 4 Providence 26 Plainness 5 Love of the Almighty ($) 27 Incredulity 6 Justice 28 Animosity 7 Somnolence 29 Nebraskability 8 Love of Peaches 30 Love of Freedom 9 Pride of Race 31 Modesty 10 Nicotianity 32 Oregonality 11 Love of Camp-meetings 33 Furbearance 12 Fruitfulness 34 Argentility 13 Coonfulness 35 Pique 14 Colour 36 Breadth 15 Levity 37 Presence of Mine 16 Illicit Spirituality 38 Gamefulness 17 Love of Travel 39 Conjugality 18 Size 40 Cowboyishness 19 Bashfulness 41 Sheepishness 20 Scribosity 42 Reserve 21 Armorousness 43 Reciprocity] 22 Horse Sense



Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America not ruled by the Irish.

In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers who wished to retire from private life.

It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from thirst.

Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best of friends.

For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or a policeman, much less a patrol or a fortification, on the border line between the two countries.

Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, "severed home ties"; she is perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able to understand "why girls leave home."

Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a "sister turn."

* * *

The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of Idaho.

But a Country must not be judged by its size.

The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours, and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and somewhat spotty.

This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United States.

The English People, or (if one must be accurate) the British, are the most to and fro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fable when they are tired of going to and fro they reverse the process and go fro and to.

With Bibles and Bathtubs And Ballots and Beer And Hope and Hygienics They girdle the Sphere.

In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the earth.

The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the United States, compared to champagne.

London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence of Sky-Scrapers.

London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era, Respectability.

For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return take their degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).

This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of British respectability (Honi soit qui mal y pense) done into English.

The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and Barometers.

* * *

The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.

The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.

The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.

Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny) Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from "Bonnet," the national headgear.

The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.

* * *

The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whose cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at once.

The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords and Emigrants to the United States.

They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminster and an Itinerant President.

The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that the Serpent who tempted Eve (from the "way he had with the women") was one of these Absentee snakes.

Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St. Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, "more savage than the Britons, feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to devour their deceased fathers."

Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the national beverage.

The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, Patriots,[A] Poteen and Bernard Shaw.

[A] The term Patriot is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime.

* * *

The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



See the Welsh Rabbit—he is bred on cheese; (Or cheese on bread, whichever way you please). Although he's tough, he looks so mild, who'd think That a strong man from this small beast would shrink? Carolyn Wells.

Wales is the home of the Welsh bards so called because the language in which they are written, which resembles a mixture of Chech, Chinese, Celtic and Chocktaw, is barred from the concert and operatic stage.

The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of Wales and Lloyd George.

The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of Australia, has spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a potent factor in keeping the world awake.

Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was born in a political chafing dish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the world awake.

Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless him) will follow in the footsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake long after this Geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition!

The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines:

"Hurray!" cried the Kitten, "Hurray!" As he merrily set the sails, "I sail o'er the ocean today, today, To look at the Prince of Wales!"

"Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink! And think of the angry gales!" "Ah, yes," cried the Kitten, "but think! Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!"

"But, Kitten," I cried, dismayed, "If you live through the angry gales You know you will be afraid To look at the Prince of Wales!"

Said the Kitten, "No such thing! Why should he make me wince? If a Cat may look at a King, A Kitten may look at a Prince!"

* * * * *





From the beginning of time up to the present century, the continents of North and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of matrimony.

They were seemingly inseparable.

The first indication that everything was not as it should be with this long united couple, was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman named De Lesseps (who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa) attempted to bring about a separation.

The attempt, however, was a failure, and, after dragging on for eight years, proceedings were dropped for want of funds.

Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, desiring to remove all obstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of De Lesseps, and in August, 1902, the divorce of North and South America and the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans were simultaneously celebrated.

The Northern and Southern continents are now better friends than ever and the Atlantic Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door to spend an evening with the Pacific.



The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutch cleanliness that Godliness (in the next seat) must get up and cling to a strap.

In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground, the heads of the cabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necks of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.

The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds are kept busy posing for the landscape painters.

Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; wind mills are posted everywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing some useful task.

And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has always boasted of its freedom, is locked up in Dykes and forced to do the work of highways and railroads.

The capital of Holland is the Hague, and here was held the first Peace Conference (in 1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Plutocrats to discuss the Economics of War.

Firstly, to make rules by which war may be conducted with the least possible damage to Vested Interests.

Secondly, to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which, while putting a soldier out of action, will not injure him beyond the possibility of repair for use in another War.

Today the Peace Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it, is dead, but another Conference (called by Woodrow Wilson) is to be held in Geneva which, Peter Simple hopes, will abolish War forever.

* * *

The inhabitants of Holland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise Sauce with a piquant Gallic flavour.

Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of Belgium is the modern Horatius who

" ... facing fearful odds, For the ashes of his fathers And the temples of his Gods,"

kept "the bridge" in the brave days of 1914.

Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914, but the Crown of King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style, and besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.

When Julius Caesar described the Belgians as the "Bravest of all the Gauls" he was a Prophet as well as a Historian.

* * *

The inhabitants of Belgium are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and if they hadn't "kept the bridge" the World War could never have been won.



France is the greatest Millinery Power on earth. The capital of France is Paris.

Paris, though inhabited largely by Americans and English, is famous for its gaiety.

The principal products of Paris are Plaster of Paris, Paris Green, Parasols and Pate de fois gras.*

* Alliteration is the thief of accuracy! Pate de fois gras is the product of Strasburg. The Reader.

The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, as everyone knows, is France, and Strasburg, thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and Co., is now French.

Paris is divided into two parts—

I. Paris Proper.

Famous for The Eiffel tower, a sky-scraper that contains no offices and the Magasin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily.

There is also another Louvre containing some pictures (hand painted) and statues.

II. Paris Improper.



............................................................. (See Appendix.)

* * *

The inhabitants of France are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.




While Repairs are being made, in the temporary absence of Messrs. Hohenzollern & Co., the Show Window of this establishment may be rented for the display of Bolshevism, Anarchism, Socialism, or any other popular Ism that may apply.



Switzerland is famous for its Condensed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers, and Heroes.

The Swiss are an Artless people.

"What more worthy people! Whose every Alpine gap yawns with tradition, and is stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and scornful one (Art) will none of it, and the sons of patriots are left with the clock that turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with difficulty restrained in its box." Whistler.

* * *

The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



Monaco is the centre of the spinning industry of the world.

Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year to spin.

* * *

The inhabitants of Monaco are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



When what was once a Turkey comes before us on a platter (like this) shorn of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offering to Appetite, fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be the " ... last scene of all. That ends this strange eventful history."

All he wants to know is whether he will get the particular slice he has mentally reserved for himself.

Just so that other Turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asia and gobbles defiance at an avenging world.

The avenging Powers sit round as they have sat round before, waiting each one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself. But there won't be any slices!

You may burn, you may shatter The Turk if you will, He will rise from his ashes And roost with you still.

He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible Phoenix Bird.

Nevertheless we must give the Devil his due; the Turks are a fearless people; they have many wives.

* * *

The inhabitants of Turkey are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and they won the World War.



Russia comprises one-sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the Globe. Formerly the property of a Czar named Nicholas, it is now owned by a Superczar named Lenine.

The principal objects of interest are Samovars, Soviets, Sables, and the Steppes.

The Steppes of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing to do with those of the Russian Dancers.

At the present stage of Russian Affairs they may better be compared to the well-known Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only—and easy at that!

Today almost the only articles of Russian Manufacture are Natural Ice and Press Dispatches.

Of manufacture of the latter, as regards volume at least, there has never been such an enorm——*

* Why go on about Russia? The Reader.

Quite right! Russia is too large for such a little Geography as this.

We will leave Russia as quickly as possible.

Watch your Steppe!



It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer country couple—or couple of countries—it would be hard to meet anywhere, and so propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancy of the world?

And everybody knows what Propinquity does.

It is Cupid's middle name; what more natural than that they should get married?

Haven't you heard? Well, it all happened so quickly, they were married in Vienna in 1815, and—well, you know Propinquity is the Devil's middle name, too—they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of only ninety years!

What could have been the trouble?

Some say the food, others attribute it to the Domestic Drama. Perhaps it was both. Here is a typical Scandinavian Menu—

Pjkled Ojsters Bjsque of Snajls Frjed Fjsh Natjve Wjne Qujnce Jce-cream Onjons and Bjsqujts

It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play with the average theatre-goer; it has what the average theatre-goer calls "atmosphere."

I once drew Ibsen, looking bored Across a deep Norwegian Fjord, And very nearly everyone Mistook him for the Midnight Sun.

Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or stodgy, as distinguished from the stagey, Drama.

James Huneker, the eminent Lexicographer, as a compliment to that great and hirsutiferous playwright, has re-christened Norway "The Land of the Midnight Whiskers."

* * *

The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most Moral and Patriotic People in the World, and they won the World War.



"The apparel oft proclaims the man."—HAMLET.

Africa is the richest "jack-pot" in the game of territorial "freeze-out" played by the European Powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold, ivory, rubber and slaves, though the latter are nominally outside the limit.

The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morning of the twentieth century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) it is still in progress, though Germany, who staked all her pile and lost, has dropped out.

The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 B. C.) describes Africa as "the fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and similar animals; of lions also and panthers." He does not mention the Chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal inhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, abstemious without being bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree, very few surviving transportation from their native jungle.

Children, behold the Chimpanzee! He sits on the ancestral tree From which we sprang in ages gone, I'm glad we sprang—had we held on We might, for all that I can say, Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day.

* * *

The inhabitants of Africa are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



Arabia is the home of the Camel and the Bedouin.

"The Camel may be likened to A desert ship. (This is not new.) He is a most ungainly craft, With frowning turrets fore and aft We little realize on earth, How much we owe to his great girth, For should he ever shrink so small As through the needle's eye to crawl, Rich men might climb the golden stairs And so leave nothing to their heirs."

The Camel is called the ship of the desert because its gait is said to resemble the motion of a ship.

To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times worse than a ship, but not quite so bad as a motor bus.

The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or bed-rock, avoiding river-beds or water in any form.

He must not be confounded with the Folding-Bedouins of North America.

The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic tribe, supposed by some to be related to the Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bohemia.

* * *

The inhabitants of Arabia are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons, should go to Australia, where Spring commences on September the twenty-third, Summer on December the twenty-second, Autumn on March the twenty-first and Winter on June the twenty-first.

The Fauna of Australia, as if determined not to be outdone in eccentricity by the Seasons, is represented by the Ornithorynchus Paradoxus, which Peter Simple has described in the following lines

My child, the Duck-billed Platypus A sad example sets for us. From him we learn how indecision Of character provokes derision. This vacillating beast, you see, Could not decide which he would be— Fish, flesh or fowl—and chose all three. The scientists were sorely vexed, To classify him so perplexed Their brains that they with rage at bay Called him a horrid name one day, A name that baffles, frights and shocks us Ornithorynchus Paradoxus.

* * *

The inhabitants of Australia are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the most exclusive flower-garden in the world, and is surrounded by a high wall.

The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little flower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise to cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world.

The country of China, too, may be likened to a Flower; her treasure is the envy of the world, and flower-like she must remain rooted to the ground while the Busy Bees from other lands relieve her of everything she possesses.

Everyone agrees that China should have an Open Door, but the Busy Bee Nations want a Door that opens only inwards, while the Flower Nation wants a door that opens only outwards.

At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, Peter Simple suggested a Revolving Door as a compromise.

A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report on Revolving Doors.

The matter is still being revolved. It may end in a Revolution.

* * *

The inhabitants of China are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.




The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.



No work on Geography could be called complete without a description of these six (counting, etc.) countries.

If the Reader should ask me how I came to leave six such important countries to the last page, I should be compelled to change the subject.

Writing a little Geography Book is like packing a very small bag for a journey round the world, only instead of cramming it with shirts and shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes, you stuff it full of countries, and when you try to close it (as with the bag) you always find that you have left out at least several of the most important things.

No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the lid) will make room for six such big countries in a little book that is already as full as it can be.

The only thing to do is to take out all the countries and lay them in a row and see which you can get along best without; you can't possibly spare any of the large countries; the question is how many of the little countries together would——*

* You are digressing again, worse than ever! This thing has got to stop! The Reader.

Oh, very well! If that's the way the Reader feels about it it shall stop right here.

* * * * *


If this little world to-night Suddenly should fall thro' space In a hissing, headlong flight Shrivelling from off its face, As it falls into the sun, In an instant every trace Of the little crawling things— Ants, philosophers, and lice, Cattle, cockroaches, and kings, Beggars, millionaires, and mice, Men and maggots all as one As it falls into the sun— Who can say but at the same Instant from some planet far A child may watch us and exclaim: "See the pretty shooting star!"


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